Poem: Of Course Denial

I didn't know how much she liked me.
She hid it from me well.
Nor did I realize how much anger she kept
hidden in her delicate, bird-like, chest.
Nor how deep the roots of Addiction-denial ran.
Very deep indeed.
With every new letter she convicts herself further.
While thinking she is "scoring points,"
she really digs a grave,
turning my hope to
ashes in my mouth.

I pray it's not too late for her.
The patient not past saving.
But I am certainly no Doctor,
just a Junkie who knows another
when I see one.
It's something I've studied for years;
With two Diplomas from two rehabs
and six others incomplete.
It's fair to say I've seen my share,
and that Lady there fits the bill to a "T."
If the shoe fits,
deny it.
Trivialize it,
say you'll do it later,
blame someone else: anyone else,
pretend to be hurt or angry,
bring up something else,
but whatever you do,
don't admit you have a problem.
Lie, at least, or avoid it.
And no matter what
Don't
go to a Doctor
and tell them the truth.
Because then they might make a diagnosis.
God forbid they might actually
know how to cure her!
Then she'd really have no excuse
for using drugs.
The loss of "Control" one gets with a Doctor,
you know it's called a "Prescription"
and it comes with Rules!
Can you imagine?!
Actually taking drugs according to Rules
rather than whims?
I know, the thought alone can be traumatizing,
but from personal experience I can tell anyone
with the paradoxical mixture of
Addiction and Chronic Pain
that clear regulation and guidance of
pain-relieving drugs
is ultimately, supremely, more effective,
satisfying, desirable, and helpful,
on a daily basis,
than the nonsensical Chaos and Confusion
which existed of my life
prior to my commitment
to a reasonable pain-management program
in concordance with a good Doctor.

Not that you could have told me that
two years ago.
Oh, no, not me.
I was unique, you see.
(All the recovering addicts and alcoholics in the room laugh)
Terminally unique on more than one occasion.
It's a miracle I'm here today.
No, you couldn't tell me anything.
I had to go through almost limitless amounts of
bureaucracy and pure physical pain
to find out for myself that,
at least where drug addiction is concerned,
I am not unique at all.
I line up quite nicely with
all the millions of other
addicts and alcoholics on this planet.
I could choose to deny it,
but I would only be fooling myself.
My life, my past, and my present,
all speak for themselves.

And so it is with her.
And of course, she does not see it.
And of course, there is no way I can force her to.
I can recommend books, lectures, etc.
But just like me,
she will have to come to her own acceptance
on her own time.
My desires do not enter that equation in any way.

Ultimately, I will try to be around her as much as I can,
because I love her.
But as a recovering addict myself,
I need to be around people who are working
to make their lives better as I am.

So long as you live in Denial,
you can never get better.
Just keep treading water,
staying in the same place,
while life
and all of life's unique
one-time opportunities
pass you by.