Poem: Thinking 'bout Sober

If I could just
stop the drink
then I'd have more time
to think
more money to spend
on things that matter
and faster climb
the spiritual ladder

Reasons to drink
they are so many
while reasons to quit
are not so plenty

The strongest one
it seems to be
the fact that it's
so hard for me
to overcome
this one base urge
but for drinking
life's absurd

There was a time
I can remember
when I did not
crave a bender
loving life
and all it was
found no reason
for a buzz

What has changed
to make me so?
Dragging my past
and troubles
in tow?

Though still young
I must be jaded
bitter and bruised
demanding sedation
a billion concerns
encircle my mind
and getting them out
it takes too much time

Why give me this taste
for drink that's distilled
if not to use it
to lesson my ills?

Is life a battle
that's meant to be won?
Or are we allowed
to have us some fun?

For all of these questions
I do not know why,
But I think of Bukowski
whose grave says
"Don't Try."

Poem: My Mexican Friends

Hecho Mexico!
We are so happy to be here!
Thank you!
Thank you!
We Mexicans love
your crappy country!
Your back-breaking
no benefits
illegal
slave labor
give us enough
money
to send to our families.
Gracias slave masters
Mucha Gracias!
By begging for change
we earn enough to live.
Thanks you pinche pendehos
you Nazis
who rule the world
Gracias Mucho!

Poem: Crazy People

A crazy person tells no lies;
projecting what they feel inside.

A crazy person can't be blamed;
for those they curse, or hurt, or maim.

A crazy person can't be told;
if they're a child or grown old.

A crazy person makes us see;
that crazy person,
might be me.

Poem: A Rest

The empty lots
which are my peace
amidst the cities
of Bride and Beast
places where trash
and lost souls linger
find me pointing
with my finger
toward the world
of money and greed
thankful that
I have no need
to run around
in circles small
instead I sit
with back to wall
to sit a moment
to rest and drink
to have a smoke
and then a pee
breath a breath
and sing a song
praying that
life wont
last long

Poem: Devil's Toy

Every loss
is a freedom gained
I know this old feeling
it doesn't seem strange
A life that is stable
I never have known
and the way things are going
I'm destined alone

So pray all I want
for peace, love and joy
I can't help but feel
I'm some Devil's toy

Poem: Sad Truth

Sunburnt face
cuts on my hands
cahpped lips
and no close friends
lacking a home
and loosing my car
dieing one night
and brought back for more
at least its exciting
even though painful
at least I'm not bored
though guilty and shameful
my choices seem few
though it makes things more simple
I hope all this pain
leaves me one dimple

Poem: Thanks

In the ER
I guess I
crashed my car
tough luck
"can it get any worse"
I asked yesterday
the answer now is
"yep."
They wont let me go...
should I escape?
It's tempting
they probably wont care
but I wouldn't want
to be restrained
they tell me I was
dead
and that they brought
me back to life
"thanks for nothing"

Poem: Illusion

Everything you need
is right in front
of your face
the problem is simply
seeing it
lost in a myriad of
confusing images and distractions
we fail to see
the few
that we need
confused
but never beyond repair

eventually we find
just what we need

Poem: Kill Yourself

"It comes with strings attatched ya know,"
she advizes
not realizing
that everything does
"I know," I say
and begin to think
about the strings she holds
or tries to hold
over me
knowledge through suffering
it's one way to go
and apparently
my way
The pain is harsh
but usually short and the wisdom gained
is usually permenant
sometimes the fastest way
to the top
is to kill yourself.

Poem: Only the Water

I can't remember
what y our body looks like
or the specifics of
how we had sex
you come to me in
All-too-brief
flashes of moments;
A ukalayle and a lake
A hug in a pet cemetary
Your head on my shoulder
at the beach

Like a ghost
or my imagination
it's hard to believe
that you really existed
that We really existed
and that we felt so good

Maybe this is for the best
to keep me free of tears
and maybe my brain is
just burned out from use

But for all my lack of
mental connections
my heart refuses to forget
and every email or phone call
is a surprise
like waking up from a dream
to find out it really happened

Why would this being
like me still?
Why did she like me then?
How could I be so lucky
in some areas of life
and so cursed
in others?
How can I still love
from a thousand miles away
with a blank mind
and all the troubles
in the world on my back?

Only the water knows.

Poem: Waiting for the Rain

Watching, waiting,
willful, willing,
wanting, wailing,
Wan.
Waining, staining
Hydroplaning
wishing that
I had
a plan.
Hoping, Joking,
barely floating,
eating, meeting,
pain.
Loosing, Boozing,
rarely choosing ,
waiting for
the rain.

Poem: Walking

There is nowhere
here
I really want to go
every house
a discomfort
no parks
no benches
not even a church

I walk for peace
it's the best I can do

There are things I wan to to do
Chores, really
but without peace
and clarity
they are harder
than usual

Perhaps now is not the time
but I hope it comes soon

Because walking
makes me tired

and there's no money in it

Poem: Even

even in Concord
you were beautiful
even while tired
you were interesting
even while angry
I still liked you
even while gone
I still miss you

Poem: Only Human

The pain of learning
the one who you love and respect
is human
after all
And worse-
that everyone is human
especially yourself

The great Archtypes
of the Universe
are flawed
like we are
but then forgive each other
every time

it is what makes them great

to forgive your wrongdoer
truly forgive
and love
is difficult
but once perfected-
Totally Fllfilling.

Poem: Myself

The lights are going out
around me
I have not slept well
in as long as I can remember
which is not very long
have not felt well either
bouncing, erratic
from magick
to pleasure
to misery
to pain
I have not been this
hopeless and poor
for quite a while

Hostile environment
all in my mind
the park is closed off
street lights and signs
are disapearing

In the end
I have to do it
myself
myself
myself

Poem: Beat Up Prayer

Beat the fuck up
I don't deserve it
but I guess I earned it
wish my brain worked today
and my body didn't hurt
God bring me the energy
to enjoy my life
and start making money

Poem: Others

The pain is real
and I guess some shame
the voices tell which tell me
I could have done better
are probably not real
echoes of parents and those
who knew no better
I'm certain I did
the best that I could
with what I had.

Why do the others
live so well?

Poem: Growth

Another day has passed
again
and I feel a new man,
the man I used to be.
My father drinks
and that's not me.
Baba abuses opiates
and that's not me.
Ebony needed Cannabis
and that's not me.
With the help of my ancestors
I remember myself
and grow into my truth.

Poem: Never Enough

I think I'm going to die soon.
And this time I'm for real.
I'll get the supplies tommorrow
and hopefully that will be the end of it.
Awo Onifade has failed me.
My parents have failed me.
My lovers and friends
have kept me alive this long.
But saddly, their love is not enough.
I tried most of my life to serve God
in this evil world.
But somehow, it was never enough.

Poem: The Sun Rises Again

I need to learn to think
about something else.
While I am in pain,
time goes on.
While I am in pain,
the world turns.
While I am in pain,
I am getting older.

There must be a way,
to go on
and live with it.
It will take courage, yes.
It will take discipline, yes.
It will take humility, yes.

A release of all
self pity
all
impure motives,
a focus on the now.
On every moment that is spent.
A honing of the soul.
Complete seperation
of mind and body.

To acknowledge that the
body
is in pain
but that I am more than
the body.

I am I.
Eternal
other than physical
for all physical
"problems"
are temporary.
No matter how they seem
in the moment.

Even if I spend the rest of this life
in pain
it is only one.
And it will pass.
Just as surely as the winter comes
and the sun rises again.

Poem: A Circle

After all my battles
it comes to this;
Felled by my own
spine

Growing up with pain
inflicted from the outside

Now that I am free
I have pain on the inside

Crying does no good,
except to relieve the heart.
Complaining does no good,
except to make me feel worse.
Envying others does no good,
for there are many worse off than I.

In jail I learned the game
"don't look at the clock,"
It doesn't help and
makes time
go slower

Now I'm trying to play
"don't think about the pain"
But that's harder than
not looking at a clock.

The pain is always
sneaking up at me
making me aware of it's presence
thinking about the pain
is a circle.

Poem: Imaginary Courage

I'm gonna beat this!
Nothing can get me down!
This is just another small obsticle,
a trial for me to learn from
and one day
it will be over.
I've still got my looks
and my mind;
Everything I need!
Worst case scenario,
I get free money, a cool cane,
an d a blue sticker
for the best parking spots.
I will learn to live with this
just as I have so many other things.
I will not dwell on it.
Just take it one step at a time.

Poem: These Days

I spend my days
worried
frightened
unhappy
and in pain
always waiting for
the pain to end
meds to kick in
but it never does
and they never do
I don't know how this will end
but the options don't look good
very few roads seem open
all day long
I feel the pain
and think about the future
it's not working
it seems one of my few options left
like a broken car
that still has to get you
where you are going.

I want to cry
and I want to scream
sometimes it gets so bad
that tears come
to the corners of my eyes
no matter how hard I fight
I even find myself
praying
deeply and sincerely
to the highest power
for help.

And I wait.

Poem: I Wonder

I know what it is like
to love you
But I do not know what it is like
for you to love me.

I try to imagine
what it is like
to be you
loving me
I feel the deepest pain
of longing
and sepparation
You love me so much
it hurts
It makes me want to do
something crazy
like fly out to see you
or fly you out to see me.

It's then that I remember
who i am
and
why I am
and
where I am

You deserve the best
dearest one
and only the best
I am not there yet
but I'm not the right track

So all I can do
is continue to work
on myself
in the hopes that
one day
I will be the person
I know you deserve

In my imagination
you argue with me
telling me that
you already like me
just the way I am
And I know this is true
But for me
that is not enough

Love,
Us.

Poem: Forgetful Baba

Broken promises.
Does not take responsibility
for his actions.
Says one thing one day
and another the next.
Yet always expects me
to obey.

He was not always like this.
Used to be loving, open, considerate,
listened to my concerns
and honored my opinion.

Now he seems to have
ceased to listen.
Makes decisions,
without consulting me,
then the next day,
makes different ones.

What will I do Oludomare,
with tis capricious Mentor?
Is it my job to merely submit
to his every will and whim?
Just nodding dumbly?

Once he told me that
Truth was the most
important
thing.

But now
when I tell him the Truth,
which he does not remember,
he turns it around,
and blames me.
Is this a good role model?
One who cannot admit his own faults?
One who acts one way,
to get me to come to him,
and changes
the moment he has me?

I do not think so.

Poem: For My Mother

He came and met you
for the first time
the day after
your mother died

He claimed to be
" a friend of your brother's"
but Uncle Tom says
he never liked him.
That is how he first
sleazed into your life.

A few years later
you were living in
Los Angeles
just as you'd always
dreamed of

He was in Sacramento
where you always hated
and swore never to return

You used to show me e-mails
from him, in LA
they told you
that you were a failure
that you'd never make it
in LA
and you should move back to Sacramento

Can't you see what he was doing?
Why can't you see?

He also wrote about me
frequently
how bad, or evil, or whatever
I was

He's a small time Con
Mom
Not even a good one

But he fooled you
He was too much of a
Coward
to move to LA
to be with you
so he broke you down
emotionally
one email
at a time

It took almost a year
but when you were
just about to crack
he put the cherry
on the cake

You told him no dogs
were allowed
at your LA home

With intentional disregard
on purpose
and with Malice
he brought his dog
and you were kicked out
of your apartment

The first time I met him
was for a Thanksgiving dinner
with Uncle Tom
at a Chinese food restraunt
in Sacramento

I was working at Providian
making lots of money
(more than him)
and wanted to pay for everything
for my mother
for a change
He would not have it

I was 2 months from 21
and he threw a fit
at dinner
about me drinking a beer
he was the only one who cared
I left to smoke
and avoid a scene
he followed me into the
parking lot
pushed me in the chest
and tried to physically fight me
Like an ape.

Somehow you thought
nothing of it
you always forgave him
and scolded me
just like dad.