I want to be treated like I'm special.
I want to die right now.
I want to have friends and a life.
I want people to care about me.
Barrett killed himself
and nobody ever knew.
His e-mails just stopped coming
and his blog was never updated again.
No one knew where he had been living.
No one took the time to visit him
and see how he was doing.
Everyone just thought
that he was too busy to respond.
When the body was found
there was not enough left
to figure out what happened.
They found his ID
and eventually contacted his mother.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
List: Things I've Learned as a Bum
1) You can get all of your basic needs met if you are patient and humble.
2) People judge you soley by the way you look (e.g. "You don't _look_ like a bum")
3) The Police don't like homeless people.
4) The most agressive, rude, selfish, pushy, panhandler makes the most money.
5) Things own you, more than you own things.
6) The buddy system is priceless, if you choose a good buddy.
7) People who are not and never have been homeless cannot understand what it is like.
8) Some people prey on the poor/homeless.
9) The world is largely safer than the media makes it out to be.
10) Bums care more about each other and share more with each other than members of the middle and upper classes.
11) Most of the things I knew about Bums previously to being a bum was wrong.
12) It get's easier to be homeless every time you do it. Practice makes perfect.
13) Most people are so busy all the time they never actually get to see or think about their life.
14) All authorities, cops, Doctors, Priests, Actors, Cool Writers, Comedians, Teachers, etc. are just as full of shit as you. Authority is a consensual hallucination.
15) People throw away a lot of food and other perfectly usefull items, rather than take the time to give them to those who need them.
16) The court system is for people with money. Jails, Prison, and Mental Wards are for those without money.
17) Anything edible tastes great if you are hungry enough.
18) Social workers, for the large part, are completely useless.
19) People do not trust the poor.
20) Homeless shelters are degrading, humiliating, dirty, overcrowded, and do not have the capacity to help individuals. After your time is up you are back where you started: On the street.
2) People judge you soley by the way you look (e.g. "You don't _look_ like a bum")
3) The Police don't like homeless people.
4) The most agressive, rude, selfish, pushy, panhandler makes the most money.
5) Things own you, more than you own things.
6) The buddy system is priceless, if you choose a good buddy.
7) People who are not and never have been homeless cannot understand what it is like.
8) Some people prey on the poor/homeless.
9) The world is largely safer than the media makes it out to be.
10) Bums care more about each other and share more with each other than members of the middle and upper classes.
11) Most of the things I knew about Bums previously to being a bum was wrong.
12) It get's easier to be homeless every time you do it. Practice makes perfect.
13) Most people are so busy all the time they never actually get to see or think about their life.
14) All authorities, cops, Doctors, Priests, Actors, Cool Writers, Comedians, Teachers, etc. are just as full of shit as you. Authority is a consensual hallucination.
15) People throw away a lot of food and other perfectly usefull items, rather than take the time to give them to those who need them.
16) The court system is for people with money. Jails, Prison, and Mental Wards are for those without money.
17) Anything edible tastes great if you are hungry enough.
18) Social workers, for the large part, are completely useless.
19) People do not trust the poor.
20) Homeless shelters are degrading, humiliating, dirty, overcrowded, and do not have the capacity to help individuals. After your time is up you are back where you started: On the street.
Poem: Yet Another Anti-Depressant
Trying another anti-depressant; Paxil.
Warned that I may be sleepy the first four days
I thought, "yeah, right."
But I've felt like shit on a stick all day...
I think it is day 2.
Like a sleepy Zombie again.
It is so fucking hot,
these anti-deps never work good.
They just make me incredibly dopey.
Also my stomach hurts a little dully.
My hands are cut up
and my writing looks funny.
Can't write anything good.
Me think Paxil for stupid heads.
Poo-poo brains pee-pee pee-pee's.
Can I make it four days?
We'll see...
(I doubt it)
Warned that I may be sleepy the first four days
I thought, "yeah, right."
But I've felt like shit on a stick all day...
I think it is day 2.
Like a sleepy Zombie again.
It is so fucking hot,
these anti-deps never work good.
They just make me incredibly dopey.
Also my stomach hurts a little dully.
My hands are cut up
and my writing looks funny.
Can't write anything good.
Me think Paxil for stupid heads.
Poo-poo brains pee-pee pee-pee's.
Can I make it four days?
We'll see...
(I doubt it)
Poem: My Poor Mother's Pain
"I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, as a woman, as a wife."
My Mother says,
as the guilt in my stomach clenches,
making me the worst person on earth.
"My Father died when I was so young," she goes on,
"I never learned how a woman was supposed to act towards a man. I was doing the best I could. I'm so sorry."
I accept her apology and feel like slime for ever blaming her,
for ever hating her.
But I was just a child,
how could I have possibly known
she was innocent?
All I knew was
I didn't want my Father to hurt me anymore
and she was supposed to have
that power.
My Mother says,
as the guilt in my stomach clenches,
making me the worst person on earth.
"My Father died when I was so young," she goes on,
"I never learned how a woman was supposed to act towards a man. I was doing the best I could. I'm so sorry."
I accept her apology and feel like slime for ever blaming her,
for ever hating her.
But I was just a child,
how could I have possibly known
she was innocent?
All I knew was
I didn't want my Father to hurt me anymore
and she was supposed to have
that power.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thoughts: Lessons I Learned as a Child
1) Whenever possible avoid telling the truth. Truth leads to beatings at worst and shrugs at best.
2) My opinions and feelings do not matter to anyone.
3) Never tell anyone what goes on at home. It's the worst thing you can do.
4) If I endure terrible treatment silently I wil be rewarded with toys and money.
5) Promises to me do not matter, they can be fullfilled or changed at any time, for any reason. Promises that I make, however, have to be fulfilled or I will be hurt.
6) I don't deserve to know the "truth."
7) Loking good to your neighbors and the outside world is more important than how you feel or how you are really doing.
8) Whenever possible to get away with, it's O.K. to cheat with money a little. Like buying a discount movie ticket you don't deserve or cheating on taxes.
9) No one would save me from my family and abuse. There is no escape ever.
10) Adults are most often petty, stupid, mean, selfish, greedy, and terrible at dealing with each other and the world at large. I can't wait to be one so I can slap the fuck out of my father and tell everyone else to "Fuck Off!"
11) My parent's divorce was my fault (They both confirm this to this day, although Mom sometimes changes her mind momentarily).
12) Even as far as adults go: Mine are exceptionaly vicious and stupid.
13) Teachers care more about disciplined behavior and repitition than actual learning.
14) I was often blamed successfully for acts I did not commit and nobody ever stood up for me. This taught me that I would always be in trouble no matter what I did.
15) Doctors and Psychiatrists do not care about helping you, they care about money and their "theories."
16) Money is easy to get.
17) Friends can help, but only momentarily, you always have to go back to your family alone.
18) Something called "genes" and my "family tree" said I was almost guarented to become an alchoholic or drug addict (whatever the heck those are!) when I grew up, unless I never touched the stuff.
19) My Mom liked my Dad more than she like the idea of neither Her nor I being beaten and yelled at by Him. Or she was just a big coward. I couldn't decide.
20) My Father didn't love or even like me. I was the worst part of his life and avoided him as much as possible (He confirms this to this day).
21) My Father was the best Lier in the world and no matter how much truth I told, people would always believe his lies instead of me.
22) Sometimes you just get punished for no reason at all, even if you are doing really good.
23) By controlling all information released about me to my parents, I could lesson the number of beating I got. Information is power.
24) Entertaining guests is very important. More important than me or my feelings.
25) The outside is everything, no one cares what goes on inside a person.
26) Buying T.V.'s, Roses, Stereo's, and a car, makes up for breaking dishes, slashing car tires, and other abuse.
27) I could depend on my family for pain and misery only. For everything else I was on my own.
28) Drinking alchohol was more important to my father than my mother and I.
29) Hide anything of value and write diaries in code. Your room will be searched constantly and your diary read. I have no right to privacy.
30) Dad counts every cent in his change jar (I should have remembered this oone ten years later).
31) No matter how old I got, I was never too old for a beating from my father or emotional torture from my mother.
32) Adults act stupid at parties.
33) Everything dies. Mostly pets killed accidentally by my mother.
34) My parents would rather have my school Priest tell me at Mass in front of the entire school that my dog had died, than have a heartfelt conversation with me.
35) If I'm going to get beaten to matter what I do... well, then, "Fuck it," right?
36) I can manipulate my mother into buying me things because oh her guilt. She knows that she is wrong for letting Dad act like he does. I might as well milk it. Toys are all I have.
37) If someone has to be beaten, I would rather it be Mom than me. It's her fault for staying with him (Ouch, I know, but it's what I felt at the time).
38) Girls like me... and I like girls!
39) I can meditate all by myself and get away from all the crap.
2) My opinions and feelings do not matter to anyone.
3) Never tell anyone what goes on at home. It's the worst thing you can do.
4) If I endure terrible treatment silently I wil be rewarded with toys and money.
5) Promises to me do not matter, they can be fullfilled or changed at any time, for any reason. Promises that I make, however, have to be fulfilled or I will be hurt.
6) I don't deserve to know the "truth."
7) Loking good to your neighbors and the outside world is more important than how you feel or how you are really doing.
8) Whenever possible to get away with, it's O.K. to cheat with money a little. Like buying a discount movie ticket you don't deserve or cheating on taxes.
9) No one would save me from my family and abuse. There is no escape ever.
10) Adults are most often petty, stupid, mean, selfish, greedy, and terrible at dealing with each other and the world at large. I can't wait to be one so I can slap the fuck out of my father and tell everyone else to "Fuck Off!"
11) My parent's divorce was my fault (They both confirm this to this day, although Mom sometimes changes her mind momentarily).
12) Even as far as adults go: Mine are exceptionaly vicious and stupid.
13) Teachers care more about disciplined behavior and repitition than actual learning.
14) I was often blamed successfully for acts I did not commit and nobody ever stood up for me. This taught me that I would always be in trouble no matter what I did.
15) Doctors and Psychiatrists do not care about helping you, they care about money and their "theories."
16) Money is easy to get.
17) Friends can help, but only momentarily, you always have to go back to your family alone.
18) Something called "genes" and my "family tree" said I was almost guarented to become an alchoholic or drug addict (whatever the heck those are!) when I grew up, unless I never touched the stuff.
19) My Mom liked my Dad more than she like the idea of neither Her nor I being beaten and yelled at by Him. Or she was just a big coward. I couldn't decide.
20) My Father didn't love or even like me. I was the worst part of his life and avoided him as much as possible (He confirms this to this day).
21) My Father was the best Lier in the world and no matter how much truth I told, people would always believe his lies instead of me.
22) Sometimes you just get punished for no reason at all, even if you are doing really good.
23) By controlling all information released about me to my parents, I could lesson the number of beating I got. Information is power.
24) Entertaining guests is very important. More important than me or my feelings.
25) The outside is everything, no one cares what goes on inside a person.
26) Buying T.V.'s, Roses, Stereo's, and a car, makes up for breaking dishes, slashing car tires, and other abuse.
27) I could depend on my family for pain and misery only. For everything else I was on my own.
28) Drinking alchohol was more important to my father than my mother and I.
29) Hide anything of value and write diaries in code. Your room will be searched constantly and your diary read. I have no right to privacy.
30) Dad counts every cent in his change jar (I should have remembered this oone ten years later).
31) No matter how old I got, I was never too old for a beating from my father or emotional torture from my mother.
32) Adults act stupid at parties.
33) Everything dies. Mostly pets killed accidentally by my mother.
34) My parents would rather have my school Priest tell me at Mass in front of the entire school that my dog had died, than have a heartfelt conversation with me.
35) If I'm going to get beaten to matter what I do... well, then, "Fuck it," right?
36) I can manipulate my mother into buying me things because oh her guilt. She knows that she is wrong for letting Dad act like he does. I might as well milk it. Toys are all I have.
37) If someone has to be beaten, I would rather it be Mom than me. It's her fault for staying with him (Ouch, I know, but it's what I felt at the time).
38) Girls like me... and I like girls!
39) I can meditate all by myself and get away from all the crap.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Poem: Accept Love
I am a strong man,
a thoughtful and extraordinary
survivor.
Surrounded by spiritual
like-light
which awakens others
by proximity.
A Healer and Diviner,
a Prophet and Seer,
into the Hearts
and Characters
of others.
I follow only the Path of God,
wherever it shall lead.
No man commands me.
After tasting all the flavors
of the material world,
I come back to Heaven;
For none compares to the Light.
I am that I am.
No judgement touches me,
no value impresses me.
Except Love.
Except Love.
Accept Love.
a thoughtful and extraordinary
survivor.
Surrounded by spiritual
like-light
which awakens others
by proximity.
A Healer and Diviner,
a Prophet and Seer,
into the Hearts
and Characters
of others.
I follow only the Path of God,
wherever it shall lead.
No man commands me.
After tasting all the flavors
of the material world,
I come back to Heaven;
For none compares to the Light.
I am that I am.
No judgement touches me,
no value impresses me.
Except Love.
Except Love.
Accept Love.
Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust (Part 3 and Finale)
... So in all truth I had hand written 23 more pages of this drivel analysing every minute aspect of my friend and my relationship over the years since the very begining.
Although I like to document all my feeling and writing... for this I said, "it's not worth it." I threw the pages on my dinner fire and watched them burn. For whatever his reasons he has chosen to go his own way and I will go mine. My only wish is that he had been man enough to say it to my face, rather than cowardly and hiding behind a lie.
Good bye old friend and good luck.
Although I like to document all my feeling and writing... for this I said, "it's not worth it." I threw the pages on my dinner fire and watched them burn. For whatever his reasons he has chosen to go his own way and I will go mine. My only wish is that he had been man enough to say it to my face, rather than cowardly and hiding behind a lie.
Good bye old friend and good luck.
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