Open Letter: To my Confused Mom & Pop

Dear Folks,

For as long as I can remember, meaning over 35 years, looking at younger you's from a crib in my first room in the first house my father got to remodel and live in himself... I have been ceaselessly accused of "Only being interested in money and having zero concern or love for either of parents."

... Besides the fact that this is the most common thing parents in the West complain of to their children, when my parents say it - they REALLY, REALLY, mean it. It a mean, mean, way.

No actions I have done, no matter how selfless, have proved to them that I care for them. I have come to accept this; there is nothing else I can do.

Da is long gone from my life and there is nothing I can do about that, so no worries there... But he got to where he is today by being an "Upper Class Male Prostitue" and borrowing money from the rich widows he captured in his Sociopath's Web - So that's the pot calling the kettle black. All he ever cared about, in ANYONE, was Money, as far as I can see.

Ma, sadly, is married to another Abusive man "Even worse than my father because he is just as abusive but not successful in business, charming, or handsome (In her own words)!"

This man married her because she had a 2 MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE in San Francisco (The one my father redesigned, built with his own hands. The one I was raised in, that she always promised would BE MINE WHEN I GREW UP), about $500,000 in stocks and other assets, lived so well she did not have to work, AND HER MOTHER (my beloved Grandmother) HAD JUST DIED. He had, before marrying her, a crappy house worth about 60K and mortgaged to the hilt, and a Government Job (home of Unemployable Losers everywhere) netting him about 30k/year - ZERO ASSETS...

Before getting married, Ma had me SIGN A LIVING TRUST( all _Her_ idea!!! I asked for nothing!! ) promising me that the house would always be mine and her 2nd Marriage would "change nothing between us (her and I)." I assumed this meant the "EVERYTHING I HAVE WILL ALWAYS BE YOURS" rule my Ma had raised me with.

Unsurprisingly, Ma's 2nd Husband EMBEZZLED all "my" and Ma's Money, convinced her she was poor and I was a vampire, and that she was so poor she now HAD TO WORK! AT 65 years old!... How is it that she had SO MUCH MONEY at age 55 that she NEVER HAD TO WORK... but at 65 she is SO POOR SHE HAS TO WORK... hmmmm...

Anyways, I just wrote this to say: "You think _I_ only want you for your money, Mom? Really?....

...THEN WHAT DOES TERRY WANT FROM YOU?"

;->

Thoughts: Why most "Gangsters" are merely "Pranksters"

I have lived a life filled with CRIME =D and all the types of people and Psychopaths that accompany such a life. Along the wild ride I have come to discover what I believe to be the main FAILURE OF MOST SMALL TIME GANGSTERS, at least as concerns the Bay Area, Los Angeles, New Orleans, and Mexican areas...

Like the "Hacking Community," most small time "Gangsters" have a weakness in the form of a flare for the Dramatic and many, if not most, of them secretly wish they were Al Pacino's SCARFACE, The GODFATHER, yadda, yadda - you get the idea.

The problem comes in where SELF-CONTROL and GREED are concerned. You see Children, the way that a CRIMINAL KINGPIN becomes a _Kingpin_ is that he/she concentrates on the _Long Game_, they have endless amounts of PATIENCE, and they always think ahead.

Real "Boss'" know the Business "Secret" that Success Depends Completely on RELATIONSHIPS. In any deal, in any business, whether we are talking about Cocaine, Oil, or Steel; The _True Value_ of any business deal, "Criminal" or not, has nothing at all to do with the Commodity being used to generate income or how much it is worth (e.g. Diamonds vs toothpicks). Why? Because a GOOD RELATIONSHIP with one's business partners assures future profits. Without such TRUST; any business arrangement is short-term at best, Robbery at worst.

OK, enough Business 101, what does this have to do with my Criminal Subjects of Study? The sad fact of the matter is that many, far too many, wannabe-Scarface's are only concerned with Money. They think "Profit" is the end all be all of Business and if they can scam an extra $5 (i.e. STEAL) from a Business Partner - THEY THINK THEY WON. They honestly believe that they "beat" the other person at "Business."

But as any of my fellow current or former junkies know all too well; being ripped off trying to score drugs just means you will never trust said person again and more so you may even RETALIATE, reporting them to the Police, or enacting your own Vendetta. Certainly _NOT_ the type of attention an Up and Coming Godfather needs and not the type of behavior made to "win friends and influence people."

Who is to blame for this sad state of affairs? Are the Poor and Drug-Ridden just naturally stupider than the Ruling 1%? I would say not.

I would say that not only have we all been trained to think in EXACTLY THIS MANNER (Money > Relationships) by our ROLE-MODELS in the Media, but our Corporate Rulers (ENRON, etc) as well have modeled this exact behavior - PRIORITIZING SHAREHOLDER "PROFITS" FAR ABOVE WORKING CONDITIONS/EMPLOYEE-COMPANY RELATIONSHIPS.

As Dr. Bill Burroughs taught me, this is a clear cut situation of QUANTITY vs. QUALITY - the main enslaving tool of this place.

Story: A Very Special Love Prank

True Story.

So I've been Celibate of mind and body for just over 2 years now. Yes, kids, that means no porn or Auto-Erotica either, and no wet dreams. And for the most part, I've been enjoying it very much.

After some token struggle my libido gave up the fight and now I get to view members of the opposite sex in a much more objective light than previously. Hooray for me. The only aftertaste being that, once in a while, during some romantic flick or moment, I think of my Moonbean, and I feel my heart, and remember that I am still in love with the last woman I was with. But it's bareable.

In fact, She is a major part of the reason I'm studying to join the church and be Celebate for the rest of my life... but that's another story...

Being the retired Hacker that I am I maintain many various e-mail accounts, some more Anonymous than others.

One day, on a very, very Anonymous and very, very New Account that doesn't even get spam, I get this Love Poem.

It could be spam, but this address doesn't get any and its much too personal. It stabs me straight to the heart. It must be written by someone I know! It must be real!

I do my Sherlock Holmes thing and there are only 3 Candidates who could have written it: My mother (no way to get the address), My God-Daughter (could get the address, but isn't that Stalky), and my Moonbean.

My Heart opens up as I convince myself that Moonbean sent it. That she still loves me, like I do her. I begin to think about women in ways I haven't for over 2 years... In short, I feel /WONDERFUL/.

First I e-mail her, begging her to come to me as soon as she Wilt, fly into my arms, that night if she could! Then I lifted the 1000-pound phone and left a few messages. I'm careful to let her know that I don't *know* it's her, not yet, but who else could it possibly be?

Moonbean often took a while to reply, so I know my wait could be a while. And last time I saw her she was so ill that she seemed to barely be able to handle simple e-mails or voicemails or what day or the week it was, so who knows how she is now. For all i knew she had a wonderful new boyfriend she loved and still hated me.

about a week goes by until I find out it's my Goddaughter...

... and really I just smile. It' a Divine Comedy, after all. Jokes on me. Jokes on Moonbean, depending how she takes all this, which I'll probably never know... because the woman I waited a year for... The only woman I let date another man concurrently with me... The woman I've never stopped loving from the moment we met... almost definitely still hates me too much to write or call, even if she is well enough...

... My goddaughter is in big trouble for Stalking me and sending me an Anonymous Love letter without thinking through the possible ramifications...

... And I'm starting to cry again. Over a two-year-dead relationship. Looking over the course of my Life, I seem to enjoy being "Heartbroken," as I spend so much time at it, though it does not feel like I have control over it, i do have some...

...But heartbreak is not what this story is about, so much as The Power of The Word. Even as I read the Love Letter; I /KNEW/ it was ANONYMOUS. But I let it take Power over me. Gave it a name and a face and an Identity. I volunteered for a ride on the Love Train. And now that the Wound is reopened I'm having a hard time closing it...

Watch those Words, folks, and be careful how much you Think you can "Take." Your Heart may be for vulnerable than you are aware and some Bells you cannot Unring.