Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust (Part 2)

He says to me mean things, designed to hurt, shame, embarrass, and mostly to secure his superiority. In fifteen years I cannot remember him being truly humble. On the contrary, his ego has grown. Is this Why he attacks me? I, the lone witness to his transformation from scared boy forced to find his way in the world alone... to scared adult, surrounded by expensive toys and tools. By "friends" who go out with h im, never truly caring about him at all. To them he is a tool. Literally, to be used for his skills, but that is all he is to them.
There are at least one or maybe two friends of his who would actually piss on him if he was on fire and he knows this. He's admitted it to me flatly and wondered where to find true friends and lovers in this world. Except for me, of course, good old Jane Doe. When did it start to change? When he worked in the Presidio and got me that room there, might have been near the point. Dad was giving me hell and certainly My Friend was no help there. He rarely did try to help when things went wrong. He was often just like, "your loss dude, want to play my new video game?"
So though he has no real friends, he destroys the best he has. Because no matter what he thinks, I was his best friend. I would have done time for him, I loved him that much.
One say he invited me to make cookies with him or jam or something at this kitchen he rented. I got excited and walked most of the way from the hospital. When I got there he didn't even let me inm the kitchen, told me he had plenty of help. Seemed like an oversight, but I got a very real feeling that he didn't trust me in the kitchen. I don't know why.
Then again he mentions that he will be gone for a week and he would let me hang out at his place during the day if I fed his rats. Because I was homeless this was very exciting to me, it wouuld have been a very cool blessing... but, at the last moment a change of plans and it wouldn't be me, it would be another friend of his who I'd never heard of. Why him instead of me? I didn't get it at the time, but I was hurt.
The fact that I was now some lowley creature to him, whom he didn't trust, or even like, just tolerated. The showers he let me take made him smirk with pleasure, like he sadistically enjoyed my lowly societal standing. Or was it simply the owners of the rats who didn't trust me? I don't know because noone respected me enough to tell me.
He's been building up to this for some time, for a reason beyond me, but I speculate it's bald greed and insecurity about his self image. I threaten the lies he wants to create about himself because I know the truth. Maybe he was only keeping me around in hopes that I would get back with my rich Father and he could use that relationjship to his advantage. Now that he realizes that wont happen I'm useless to him.
He probably thinks of me as an anchor on him, holding him back, pulling him down and he needs to free himself from me for success, Ha! And maybe he's right. I have always grounded him in reality, perhaps he needs to fly off into Ego space, surrounding himself with Yes Men, throwing his money and work into some stupid money making scheme. Let him marry a manipulative shrew who will make him miserable for all of his days, because I wont be there to tell him the truth to his face.
He even referred to my years as a Junkie, blatantly implying that I was using it now. How very sad that he would be so evil. Where is all this venom coming from and why am I the focus of it?
One day he will catch the real theif, I hope. Then he will feel like the real jack-ass that he is. But he will probabl;y be too pompous to admit it to anyone (if he didn't make up the theft entirely).
This is what I get for... oh yeah, that's right, nothing. I didn't do anything and out of six people who were present my oldest friend fingered me as the thief. It's like God shat on me. And every time I write to him he replies like I'm guilty and he is my abusive girlfriend. I couldn't control any of these things, so all I can do is let it go and write it out for history to decide. I'd gladly tell my friend to "fuck off," but suddenly he's apparently offended by bad language and names, he told me. Ha ha ha. When did we turn into a pair of gay lovers? Or worse, when did I become his Employee? "How dare you use such language with me!" He says, like he is some big shit.
To be honest, I may even be able to forgive him, because this is all so stupid. A handfull of change? Jesus, I might forgive him if he apologizes for thinking I could do that and for not just asking me if I did it.