Thoughts: Children of my Own

I was recently asked by a spiritual leader whom I respect to meditate on "what children meant to me." This person noticed that any time the topic of my having children came up I had a fervently negative reaction... And so I meditate on it....

I get along very well with children, they all seem to like me and me them. But the idea of _my_ child is disturbing to me, genetically. I don't have anything against adopting and I like to imagine that if there was a time in my life that I felt ready to be responsible for another human life I would adopt... but my specific child is very scary. First of all, I am not pleased with the way my parents raised me. Similarly they are not pleased with the way their parents raised them adn I imagine it goes on ad infinitum like this. So I know, from personal experience, that I hold some genes for a miserable family life. Although I obviously hold other genes as well, for spirituality and academic ability, etc... my life has been very painful, despite the joys, and I would not wish it, nor anything like it onto another human being. Also the shoddy job that I perceive in my parents was due to existing character flaws that they had when I was born. I am well aware that everyone has character flaws and I am working on mine all the time. The thought of imposing my flaws onto the innocent young life of my child is not encouraging.

I have had very dear friends have children. I love these new mothers and fathers. I respect their bravery, courage, and passion. And I have also seen how they interact with their offspring. The evidence is not encouraging. Maybe my standards are just too high. We are all human in the end. But parenting is an incredible mantle of responsibility, which I cannot really imagine assuming. It enough just to brush my teeth every night.

All of my pets died when I was growing up. Most of the deaths were not my fault. 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 lovebirds, a tarantula, a lizard, 23 goldfish, 1 beta fish, 2 ant farms, etc... I got used to death. I am often told I should get a cat or pet, that it would be good for me. But i cannot be that selfish. I will not take responsibility for another life, whether it is a child or a cat, until I can be sure that I will take care of the duty I owe to such a life.

As it stands now, the majority of my energy is spent in learning how to take care of myself in the best way possible. If I ever figure that out, then will come the time to choose whether I would like to pass that on to another. Whether pet, student, or child.

These are my thoughts about children and me. My mother says I can't know how much love a person can feel until they have a child. And I say back to her, , "and at this rate, I never will." But I see that love in the eyes and actions of friends dear to me who have spawned. It is obviously a joy and a blessing to have a child. A being of pure love, passing on your wisdom, watching them form into their own person. Many African tribes rate your success in the world by how much you have spawned.

These are my thoughts for the night.