Thoughts: Resilience

From a 17 year old at UC Berkeley, to an 18 year old in LA making 30k a year/working 50 hours a week/AND going to computer programming school by night, to being homeless in Bakersfield at 20 to New Orleans, back to San Francisco working for an Internet company ALL on my own, to having back problems my parents wouldn't help a bit with, going to Mexico for help and ending up and opiate addict, so my back wouldn't hurt, then kicking opiates all on my own while my mom remarried a fat guy who hates me and sold out my inheritance for a Motorcycle movie.
At 22 I was making 50k a year, but I was so emotionally fucked about my mom and my dad and my back that I became a speedball addict. Got fired and took 300 bucks from dad because he wouldn't help me pay for rehab which he told the cops was 10k and then I wsa in court, homeless, and addicted. About two years later and I do 6 months in-patient at a rehab, close my court case, do two years in Sacramento at Community College, write for the newspaper, get my own place, get scholarships and grants to UC Santa Cruz and move there on my own at 26. Oh yeah and 1k a month from mom (which is nowhere near enough to pay for UC!).
I did great at UC, worked at the library for a year, but my back got much worse. I was x-rayed, MRI'ed, given epidural injections, physical therapy, and finally pain management - all of this while being a full time student in college. Mom refused to give me more than 1k a month, so I couldn't pay my medical bills at school, so I couldn't register for classes, so I lost my school-based medical insurence.
So I moved to Arizona where there is free health insurence for the poor and a University which specializes in what I was studying. I transferrred my UCSC credits to the University of Arizona and payed the 100 buck transfer-application fee, then moved to Arizona. - Where mom cut me off of my monthly 1k saying I had "broken the contract" for "dropping out of college." But I never did drop out. I just couldn't pay because of medical bills. Without her 1k a month for support in AZ i couldn't go to University of Arizona either. I'd even registered at Pheonix Community College for two Anth classes for the term that U of A took to evaluate my transfer application.

By cutting me off in the middle of college and my medical emergency, my mother created the "drop out" and "failure" that she loves to talk about so much. In reality I've always been doing my best and her rhetoric is just that, obviously, to any one who looks at the facts (my grades, ect).

I am the picture of resilience. Show me one single person more so. In fact, I dare ANYONE to try being homeless in San Francisco for ONE WEEK without money or friends. If you think what I do is "easy" or "fun" you try it, then we can talk about it. Until then, you'all can shut the fuck up. And have a nice day! =)

Repost: Letter From Mom (The Last?)

(Well, here's the latest, and hopefully the last for a while)

OH MY GOD...YOU ARE 29! Life is passing by...is this lifestyle what you want for yourself?

You know, other people have feelings, too. You had to take anxiety meds to answer my e-mail? What has happened to us, Barrett? Have you forgotten all the wonderful times? The movies we've seen together, the trips we've taken, the birthday parties, Halloweens, Wednesday coffee at Caffe Roma, weekend breakfast at The Eagle Cafe, other holidays and friends? Is it only the bad stuff that matters and that you remember?

I'm sorry that you feel that my e-mails are negative and since you don't appreciate the wisdom that I'm am trying to pass on to you, I see no reason to continue.

Bye,

Mother

Repost: Letter from Mom

(this is the latest e-mail mom sent me. Havn't seen her for 2 years or talked for 1,Um... I'm 29)

I resent Tom saying I do not want you to succeed. That is a blatant lie! He is projecting his own feelings onto yours. You know I love you unconditionally and I did everything I could to help you succeed. Doling out money is not the answer at this point...you are 28 and have to learn to stand on your own two feet. I paid you $1000/month as long as you were in college. You knew the rules!

You have convinced yourself (the mind can do that!) that you had a horrible childhood and your father molested you. You did not have a horrible childhood (I have photo albums to prove it) and your father did not molest you. Your father is a jerk with terrible values and he can be really mean but he was thrilled when you were born. We did our best to be good parents. Yes, we were limited but so are a lot of people. Jesus, be a little resilient...you sound like a broken record and as you get older, you are going to discover that everyone has a story. Yours is no worse than others. Go to a meeting and find out.

Also, as your mother I need to remind you, your good looks will not last forever...sorry, but that's the truth. It's life...it's reality.