Open Letter: To my Confused Mom & Pop

Dear Folks,

For as long as I can remember, meaning over 35 years, looking at younger you's from a crib in my first room in the first house my father got to remodel and live in himself... I have been ceaselessly accused of "Only being interested in money and having zero concern or love for either of parents."

... Besides the fact that this is the most common thing parents in the West complain of to their children, when my parents say it - they REALLY, REALLY, mean it. It a mean, mean, way.

No actions I have done, no matter how selfless, have proved to them that I care for them. I have come to accept this; there is nothing else I can do.

Da is long gone from my life and there is nothing I can do about that, so no worries there... But he got to where he is today by being an "Upper Class Male Prostitue" and borrowing money from the rich widows he captured in his Sociopath's Web - So that's the pot calling the kettle black. All he ever cared about, in ANYONE, was Money, as far as I can see.

Ma, sadly, is married to another Abusive man "Even worse than my father because he is just as abusive but not successful in business, charming, or handsome (In her own words)!"

This man married her because she had a 2 MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE in San Francisco (The one my father redesigned, built with his own hands. The one I was raised in, that she always promised would BE MINE WHEN I GREW UP), about $500,000 in stocks and other assets, lived so well she did not have to work, AND HER MOTHER (my beloved Grandmother) HAD JUST DIED. He had, before marrying her, a crappy house worth about 60K and mortgaged to the hilt, and a Government Job (home of Unemployable Losers everywhere) netting him about 30k/year - ZERO ASSETS...

Before getting married, Ma had me SIGN A LIVING TRUST( all _Her_ idea!!! I asked for nothing!! ) promising me that the house would always be mine and her 2nd Marriage would "change nothing between us (her and I)." I assumed this meant the "EVERYTHING I HAVE WILL ALWAYS BE YOURS" rule my Ma had raised me with.

Unsurprisingly, Ma's 2nd Husband EMBEZZLED all "my" and Ma's Money, convinced her she was poor and I was a vampire, and that she was so poor she now HAD TO WORK! AT 65 years old!... How is it that she had SO MUCH MONEY at age 55 that she NEVER HAD TO WORK... but at 65 she is SO POOR SHE HAS TO WORK... hmmmm...

Anyways, I just wrote this to say: "You think _I_ only want you for your money, Mom? Really?....

...THEN WHAT DOES TERRY WANT FROM YOU?"

;->

Thoughts: Why most "Gangsters" are merely "Pranksters"

I have lived a life filled with CRIME =D and all the types of people and Psychopaths that accompany such a life. Along the wild ride I have come to discover what I believe to be the main FAILURE OF MOST SMALL TIME GANGSTERS, at least as concerns the Bay Area, Los Angeles, New Orleans, and Mexican areas...

Like the "Hacking Community," most small time "Gangsters" have a weakness in the form of a flare for the Dramatic and many, if not most, of them secretly wish they were Al Pacino's SCARFACE, The GODFATHER, yadda, yadda - you get the idea.

The problem comes in where SELF-CONTROL and GREED are concerned. You see Children, the way that a CRIMINAL KINGPIN becomes a _Kingpin_ is that he/she concentrates on the _Long Game_, they have endless amounts of PATIENCE, and they always think ahead.

Real "Boss'" know the Business "Secret" that Success Depends Completely on RELATIONSHIPS. In any deal, in any business, whether we are talking about Cocaine, Oil, or Steel; The _True Value_ of any business deal, "Criminal" or not, has nothing at all to do with the Commodity being used to generate income or how much it is worth (e.g. Diamonds vs toothpicks). Why? Because a GOOD RELATIONSHIP with one's business partners assures future profits. Without such TRUST; any business arrangement is short-term at best, Robbery at worst.

OK, enough Business 101, what does this have to do with my Criminal Subjects of Study? The sad fact of the matter is that many, far too many, wannabe-Scarface's are only concerned with Money. They think "Profit" is the end all be all of Business and if they can scam an extra $5 (i.e. STEAL) from a Business Partner - THEY THINK THEY WON. They honestly believe that they "beat" the other person at "Business."

But as any of my fellow current or former junkies know all too well; being ripped off trying to score drugs just means you will never trust said person again and more so you may even RETALIATE, reporting them to the Police, or enacting your own Vendetta. Certainly _NOT_ the type of attention an Up and Coming Godfather needs and not the type of behavior made to "win friends and influence people."

Who is to blame for this sad state of affairs? Are the Poor and Drug-Ridden just naturally stupider than the Ruling 1%? I would say not.

I would say that not only have we all been trained to think in EXACTLY THIS MANNER (Money > Relationships) by our ROLE-MODELS in the Media, but our Corporate Rulers (ENRON, etc) as well have modeled this exact behavior - PRIORITIZING SHAREHOLDER "PROFITS" FAR ABOVE WORKING CONDITIONS/EMPLOYEE-COMPANY RELATIONSHIPS.

As Dr. Bill Burroughs taught me, this is a clear cut situation of QUANTITY vs. QUALITY - the main enslaving tool of this place.

Story: A Very Special Love Prank

True Story.

So I've been Celibate of mind and body for just over 2 years now. Yes, kids, that means no porn or Auto-Erotica either, and no wet dreams. And for the most part, I've been enjoying it very much.

After some token struggle my libido gave up the fight and now I get to view members of the opposite sex in a much more objective light than previously. Hooray for me. The only aftertaste being that, once in a while, during some romantic flick or moment, I think of my Moonbean, and I feel my heart, and remember that I am still in love with the last woman I was with. But it's bareable.

In fact, She is a major part of the reason I'm studying to join the church and be Celebate for the rest of my life... but that's another story...

Being the retired Hacker that I am I maintain many various e-mail accounts, some more Anonymous than others.

One day, on a very, very Anonymous and very, very New Account that doesn't even get spam, I get this Love Poem.

It could be spam, but this address doesn't get any and its much too personal. It stabs me straight to the heart. It must be written by someone I know! It must be real!

I do my Sherlock Holmes thing and there are only 3 Candidates who could have written it: My mother (no way to get the address), My God-Daughter (could get the address, but isn't that Stalky), and my Moonbean.

My Heart opens up as I convince myself that Moonbean sent it. That she still loves me, like I do her. I begin to think about women in ways I haven't for over 2 years... In short, I feel /WONDERFUL/.

First I e-mail her, begging her to come to me as soon as she Wilt, fly into my arms, that night if she could! Then I lifted the 1000-pound phone and left a few messages. I'm careful to let her know that I don't *know* it's her, not yet, but who else could it possibly be?

Moonbean often took a while to reply, so I know my wait could be a while. And last time I saw her she was so ill that she seemed to barely be able to handle simple e-mails or voicemails or what day or the week it was, so who knows how she is now. For all i knew she had a wonderful new boyfriend she loved and still hated me.

about a week goes by until I find out it's my Goddaughter...

... and really I just smile. It' a Divine Comedy, after all. Jokes on me. Jokes on Moonbean, depending how she takes all this, which I'll probably never know... because the woman I waited a year for... The only woman I let date another man concurrently with me... The woman I've never stopped loving from the moment we met... almost definitely still hates me too much to write or call, even if she is well enough...

... My goddaughter is in big trouble for Stalking me and sending me an Anonymous Love letter without thinking through the possible ramifications...

... And I'm starting to cry again. Over a two-year-dead relationship. Looking over the course of my Life, I seem to enjoy being "Heartbroken," as I spend so much time at it, though it does not feel like I have control over it, i do have some...

...But heartbreak is not what this story is about, so much as The Power of The Word. Even as I read the Love Letter; I /KNEW/ it was ANONYMOUS. But I let it take Power over me. Gave it a name and a face and an Identity. I volunteered for a ride on the Love Train. And now that the Wound is reopened I'm having a hard time closing it...

Watch those Words, folks, and be careful how much you Think you can "Take." Your Heart may be for vulnerable than you are aware and some Bells you cannot Unring.

Yoga & Tai-Chi: A Brief History with commentary on their Simmilarities & Differences

We take a break from our regularly scheduled Artificial Intelligence Think Tank to give me a chance to share some interesting things I've recently uncovered concerning [Traditional Chinese] Tai-Chi (aka "My Current Addiction") & its' connection to [Traditional Indian] Yoga; Both _Hatha_ & _Raja_.

According to the U.S. Army's Special Forces Martial Arts Handbook [#STsomething], ALL Chinese Martial Arts originated with the Shao-Lin Monks, and _Their_ Martial Arts originated in a visit from a single Indian Buddhist Yogi (Understand this all comes from Oral Tradition; a story passed down from generation to generation)...

...As most people are aware, Sithartha Gotama (aka _The_ "Buddha"), was an Indian Prince who attained "Enlightenment" by being the most famous "Passive Resistance" Spiritual person in History. i.e. he did _nothing_, at all, until he got Results. Nice. His "Enlightenment" involved the understanding that /ALL HUMAN LIFE/ is defined by Suffering, that all Suffering has a root cause, and more specifics about what _Anyone_ can do to Relieve Said Suffering.

Essentially his answer was:_YOGA_.

Currently, us "Modern-day" Westerners are positively _Infested_ with drastically Incorrect Misconceptions About _What_ "Yoga" Really Is!! This is not all our fault. Simply visiting the crapulent number of "Yoga Studios" in any Major U.S. city will give one the idea that this "Yoga" is something akin to /Aerobics/ & is basically about exercise. Indeed this is, very SADLY for us all, terribly WRONG! In brief, what we are seeing is a Corrupted form of "Hatha Yoga," the 1 (out of 7 Major/Popular Yoga Disciplines!) form of Yogic Discipline concerned primarily with _PHYSICAL ACTIVITY_...

...What our "Western Aerobic Yoga" is /LACKING/, that True Traditional Indian Yoga Is _BASED ON_ is a concern for "Prana," or "Energy," which in Chinese Tai-Chi Traditions is referred to as "Chi," & Jedi's refer to as "The Force."

Indeed the Entire Purpose of the Practice of Hatha Yoga is the Balancing & Mastery of one's Internal Energy System, including "Chakra's" & such, SO THAT ONE MAY BE BETTER PREPARED BODILY TO MEDITATE, thus attaining a greater chance at "attaining enlightenment." How this relates to Tai-Chi will soon become clear...

So, to get back to our story of the Ancient Shao-Lin & The Visiting Indian Buddhist Yogi, now that we have a better understanding of just what this Yogi was concerned with, what did he find when he came to see what these new "Chinese Buddhists" were up to? He found a bunch of chubby, out of shape monks, much like the Fatty Buddha Statue so many are familiar with. Because the original (& to some extent still Modern Day) Asian Buddhists were primarily concerned with _SITTING MEDITATION_ (called in India "Raja/Anya/various other names YOGA". A rather natural mistake, given that this is the famous method Prince Gotama used to achieve _his_ "Nirvana."

But our Yogi /SCOLDED/ these out-of-shape Shao-Lin Monks, telling them:"You will NEVER ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT in such a physical shape! Your body must be of optimal health for your mind to be!" - Which is the entire Point of "Hatha Yoga" in the first place! Thus our Yogi designed a series of exercises designed to get these Monks in shape ASAP & was sadly disappointed to find how out of shape they were! We can safely guess that these monks were _NOT_ having much success at "Enlightenment" before our Yogi's visit- Why Else would they submit to such difficult Training?

...Time passed and these Shao-Lin soon became the most physically fit (& 'Enlightened') Monks in China, but they were constantly harried by Robbers & such, so they turned their Yogic Discipline into a MARTIAL ART, the likes of which are famous to this day. They trained others, who trained others, etc, different schools formed, with different names & variations, etc. But all seem to agree, to this very day, that it ALL STARTED WITH ONE INDIAN YOGI!

Anyone familiar with Traditional Chinese Medicine (like "Acupuncture" for example) already knows that their system revolves entirely around this "Chi," which Indian Yoga Practitioners call "Prana," & exactly how this Chi flows through the human body.

Though we have not yet seen any writings comparing these two systems, Yoga & Tai-Chi, the similarities are so Complete & Obvious that there simply must be some in existence. For example, both systems agree that this Energy/Chi/Prana is/can be controlled entirely by our _Breathing_. In Yoga the discipline of /Controlling One's Breath/ (& thus one's EMOTIONS) is called "Pranayama." We have not yet discovered Tai-Chi's name for it, but it must exist. Both systems agree that, for Optimal Energy Flow in the Human Body, One's /Tongue Should Be Placed Against the Roof of One's Mouth, Touching the Front Teeth/. Also that eyes focused about 30degrees downward, focused towards the floor in front of one, is Optimal for Relaxation.

Both Tai-Chi & Hatha Yoga utilize a System of very specific Bodily Postures, in Yoga each one is called an "Asana." We could be under-informed on this next point (or "Westernly Ignorant") , but we were taught that, in Hatha Yoga, once many "Asana's" (or Postures) are mastered; One may create one's own "Yoga Routine" composed of whichever "Asana's" one deems most important for one's own body. Whereas in Tai-Chi the exact order of Postures is /VITAL/, as each position generates/utilizes Chi in a very specific manner & the next posture defines _how_ that Chi is Used/funnelled.

Anyways, as a along-time Yogi & Meditator who has recently discoved Tai-Chi; I could not be more excited!!! Tai-Chi utilizes ALL the skills & disciplines I have mastered over the years through m,y Yogic Practices, but seems to take them to the next level! I highly reccommend it! =D

Ebony Anpu * Frater 137 * Aleister Crowley * Grady McMurtrie * O.T.O * The Life of Thelemite & Witch Cja

FINALLY SOMEONE (Ms. Avery Kates) Gets The TRUTH OUT ABOUT EBONY ANPU, Thelema, 93, Crowley, Hymaneous Alpha, etc Ebony Anpu's Unauthorized Biography Grand Secretary of the O.T.O. Under Hymaneous Alpha Speaks Out Thelemite Frater 137 coauthored Steller Visions Sourcebook #93 with Aleister Crowley Post-Mortum Proves Charles Lee Reese, wanted Weather Underground Fugitive is actually Ebony Anpu Magickal War! Frather Achad, aka Jerry Cornelius vs. Ebony Anpu, aka Frater 137

Repost: Holliday Letters Between a Father and his Son

Holliday Letters Between a Father and His Only Son

Letter #1 From Son to Father:

"Hi Dad,

Merry ChanuKwanzMas and Happy New Year! Your Dentist keeps sending me these Dental Reminders. I've emailed back telling him that you make all my appointments with him and they should be emailing you, but he keeps emailing me, so I thought I'd just forward it along so you can either schedule one for me or remind him to stop emailing me. Wishing you all the very best!

Love,

John jr."

Letter #1 From Father to Son:

"Just remove yourself from the e mails. You would not like a father who beat you your whole life to pay for your dental work, because then you could not play your academy award winning role of 'THE VICTUM'.

John Q. Doe"

Letter #2 from Son to Father:

"I wasn't asking for a father (and even if I was, it's a little late now; I'm all grown up), I was asking for an email removal or action regarding a Dentist that you were recently sending me to and paying for; Nothing more, nothing less. I apologize if you misunderstood.

I'm 31 now, Dad. Technically you only beat me for about 1/4 of my life, but that's in the distant past for me. I'm truly sorry that it is still very present for you. I love you very much despite your sadly ongoing mental war with me, despite our past, I can't help it (though sometimes I wish I could), blood is thicker than water.

But anyways, this was just about a simple email request, not your resentment towards me or what I view as ancient history. I hope one day you can view it as the same. I have asked to be removed, but I'll try again. Thanks for responding so fast and again Have a happy New Year!

John jr

P.S. Did it ever occur to you that YOU may be acting out 'THE VICTIM' (misspelled by you)? You are acting out the role of the poor father who did everything he could for his messed up lying kid who says that the poor victim father abused him, when really the father was wonderful. Poor, poor, father, to be stuck with such a bad child. Bad from birth. Nothing the son did was the Father's fault! The Father did everything he could, but the Boy was just born bad and always was mean to the Father?

You have given me some good advice over the years (and some bad advice), maybe you should turn your eye towards yourself one day?

P.P.S. Whether you believe it or not I FORGIVE YOU for the way you treated me as a child. You did the best that you knew how to do at the time and you provided for the family very well financially. Even if you never forgive me for whatever it is that is still sticking in your craw about me; I STILL FORGIVE YOU.

Letter #3 from Father to Son

"YOU are as crazy as your mother, your both idiots.

John Q. Doe"

Letter #3 from Son to Father

"Again, your grammar is a bit mistaken Dad. Your letter should read 'You're both idiots,' as in the contraction 'You are,' rather than 'your' which refers to possession.

My mother is a teacher and a published author who has won awards for her work. She definitely has her mental faults and she is definitely a little crazy, but she is no idiot. I love her, I'm very proud of her, and the fact that you, my father, think it's appropriate to speak to me about my mother that way shows the truth of your character and ability as a father; Ugly.

As for me I've been scoring as a Genius on every Academic test I have ever taken and though I may be a bit crazy (everyone is), I'm certainly not an idiot. If you were able to understand my published works you would see that. My readers are some of the smartest people in the world and their compliments mean a lot more than the resentful insults of my senior citizen father. Your opinion of me ceased to matter a long time ago, you might as well keep it to yourself.

I feel sorry for you that you can only communicate by means of insults, but I guess that's one of the reason's we don't communicate much. Despite your venom, I'm also proud of you and the work that you've done; Building yourself up from nothing and the legacy of buildings you will leave on the earth and the pages of Architectural Digest after you go (Until they are inevitably torn down). Goodbye for now Dad. I hope next time I hear from you, you are a little nicer.

On a side note: It's a very odd and ironic feeling for me to suddenly find that our situation is now reversed; For once I am the adult and you are the angry child. You once told me that people age like wine and from what I read, you sound like Sour Grapes. That's too bad. You can say all the mean things you want, it only reflects on your character, not mine, and certainly not my mother's. Those words are wasted on me; I don't even hear them any more.

But before you die, in the distant future, (since I don't anticipate your attitude changing before then, though I pray) I just wanted to make sure I set the record straight. That I forgive you. That I love you.
Goodbye.

Letter #4 from Father to Son

"The fact that you would respond to me proves that you are an idiot.

John Q. Doe"

Letter #4 from Son to Father

"Touche! And the fact that you write me back proves...?"

Poem: The Waiting of My Life

Feeling trapped
time is just passing.
A room, routines,
pissing, pills,
and shopping for food.

A lover, so tough,
she can't even stand
on her own two feet.
Each time I love her
I lend her my shoulder,
dragging me further down
on my very slow climb out.
Up and out
of the dirty prison
The conditions of my Life.

My Health, my Poverty,
my Loneliness, my Pain.
The only answers come from me
She does not offer any.
Just time pleasantly spent
or time tortuously wasted.

She doesn't see
what I see.
Doesn't understand
what I understand.
For all the time I spend with her:
It takes twice as long to recover.

And for all the time
I try to help her,
she tries to help me none.
"So don't try to help me,"
she says in my head,
but that's not my definition
of Love.

For my Life to change
I'm the only one to do it;
No lottery, no family,
no helpers, no miracles.
Just the Power
of my Choices:
Do I work
or go to school?
Or keep sitting on my butt
doing fuck-all,
but get worse.

My life slows down spiraling.
The waiting of my Life.