Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust (Part 2)

He says to me mean things, designed to hurt, shame, embarrass, and mostly to secure his superiority. In fifteen years I cannot remember him being truly humble. On the contrary, his ego has grown. Is this Why he attacks me? I, the lone witness to his transformation from scared boy forced to find his way in the world alone... to scared adult, surrounded by expensive toys and tools. By "friends" who go out with h im, never truly caring about him at all. To them he is a tool. Literally, to be used for his skills, but that is all he is to them.
There are at least one or maybe two friends of his who would actually piss on him if he was on fire and he knows this. He's admitted it to me flatly and wondered where to find true friends and lovers in this world. Except for me, of course, good old Jane Doe. When did it start to change? When he worked in the Presidio and got me that room there, might have been near the point. Dad was giving me hell and certainly My Friend was no help there. He rarely did try to help when things went wrong. He was often just like, "your loss dude, want to play my new video game?"
So though he has no real friends, he destroys the best he has. Because no matter what he thinks, I was his best friend. I would have done time for him, I loved him that much.
One say he invited me to make cookies with him or jam or something at this kitchen he rented. I got excited and walked most of the way from the hospital. When I got there he didn't even let me inm the kitchen, told me he had plenty of help. Seemed like an oversight, but I got a very real feeling that he didn't trust me in the kitchen. I don't know why.
Then again he mentions that he will be gone for a week and he would let me hang out at his place during the day if I fed his rats. Because I was homeless this was very exciting to me, it wouuld have been a very cool blessing... but, at the last moment a change of plans and it wouldn't be me, it would be another friend of his who I'd never heard of. Why him instead of me? I didn't get it at the time, but I was hurt.
The fact that I was now some lowley creature to him, whom he didn't trust, or even like, just tolerated. The showers he let me take made him smirk with pleasure, like he sadistically enjoyed my lowly societal standing. Or was it simply the owners of the rats who didn't trust me? I don't know because noone respected me enough to tell me.
He's been building up to this for some time, for a reason beyond me, but I speculate it's bald greed and insecurity about his self image. I threaten the lies he wants to create about himself because I know the truth. Maybe he was only keeping me around in hopes that I would get back with my rich Father and he could use that relationjship to his advantage. Now that he realizes that wont happen I'm useless to him.
He probably thinks of me as an anchor on him, holding him back, pulling him down and he needs to free himself from me for success, Ha! And maybe he's right. I have always grounded him in reality, perhaps he needs to fly off into Ego space, surrounding himself with Yes Men, throwing his money and work into some stupid money making scheme. Let him marry a manipulative shrew who will make him miserable for all of his days, because I wont be there to tell him the truth to his face.
He even referred to my years as a Junkie, blatantly implying that I was using it now. How very sad that he would be so evil. Where is all this venom coming from and why am I the focus of it?
One day he will catch the real theif, I hope. Then he will feel like the real jack-ass that he is. But he will probabl;y be too pompous to admit it to anyone (if he didn't make up the theft entirely).
This is what I get for... oh yeah, that's right, nothing. I didn't do anything and out of six people who were present my oldest friend fingered me as the thief. It's like God shat on me. And every time I write to him he replies like I'm guilty and he is my abusive girlfriend. I couldn't control any of these things, so all I can do is let it go and write it out for history to decide. I'd gladly tell my friend to "fuck off," but suddenly he's apparently offended by bad language and names, he told me. Ha ha ha. When did we turn into a pair of gay lovers? Or worse, when did I become his Employee? "How dare you use such language with me!" He says, like he is some big shit.
To be honest, I may even be able to forgive him, because this is all so stupid. A handfull of change? Jesus, I might forgive him if he apologizes for thinking I could do that and for not just asking me if I did it.

Question & Answer

Q: What's more pathetic than going out to prostitute your body for money?

A: Coming home without getting a single customer.

Poem: Shaving on T.V.

I was Watching this guy
on T.V. this morning
and he was shaving
and doing a really bad job
- just cuttin up his face,
and I was laughing at him
til I saw it was me
using an old T.V. screen
to shave in.

Letter Repost: Best Dumping I've Ever Got

[Names Changed to protect the Innocent. Best Dumping I ever got, but strangely similar to others.]

Dearest Jane Doe,
I just got home from our wonderful afternoon of love. I felt the need to email you tonight after having realized something about you and me. (I wish I could speak to you in person, but I'm leaving on Saturday morning and don't know if I could set up a rendezvous soon enough.) Jane Doe, you are so amazing. I am so immensely attracted to you it makes me crazy...your charm, your mind, your smiles, your loving...they make me so incredibly happy! You have inspired me, given me so much, and never asked for anything back.
I feel though like I can't be a good girlfriend to you. I want you to be completely in my life, but for some reason thats an issue for me.


It's totally my issue, because I worry about my friends' opinions way too much. But I do value their friendship a whole lot, and I know they want the best for me. And I know they will judge you based on your economic status and if you have a house or job or not, and it fucking sucks that it's like that. But I can't deny that it will happen, even though I wish it wouldn't. And I need someone that can be completely in my life.


I would love to be with you for a long long time Jane, but I'm afraid that I can't be your lover. Please please please forgive me...because I really really really don't want to say goodbye. This pains me so so much. I would love for us to stay together. The moments that you have given me have been so indescribably wonderful, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But eventually I'm going to need someone stable with a job that I can settle down with. And on Saturday I am going home, seeing my family, seeing Biff (who I dated over christmas) and that will probably resume.


Maybe we are meant to be friends Jane, not lovers. I don't know. It will be hard for me to not be your lover, but I think I could maybe do it. Anyway, I'm very glad to know you Jane, and would like to continue knowing you.


I'm sorry that this was said through email and not in the real non-electronic world. But maybe it's good that it was said here, because if I were to see you I don't think I could even do this. You completely capture me. All of these words are honest and from my heart.


Love always,
Cleopatra

Poem: My Secret

I am so fragile, my love.
Every day I think you've
stopped loving me.
Feel it in my heart,
know it in my chest.
Tell me, my love,
that you love me now,
tell me that you always will.
And fend off my lonely pain
for a little while longer.

Poem: Your Right Butt

You beautiful creature
what are you doing
with me?
Each centimeter of your body,
brings me near orgasm,
touching, brushing, against.
How could it be that I am so lucky?
To have one for me,
for now, at least.
Oh Goddess never leave me,
I'll do my very best!
But your growth must come first
and I understand that.
Never imagined
being so weakened
by passion and caring
for you.
Your slightest warm touch
send me reeling to
electric orgasm
and wet gooey pants.
My days of a Sex Master
Lord of Control,
fall limp
in awe of your presence.
I surrender my sex to you at this time.
All preconceptions are gone.
To enter The Garden
with you at my side
please lead me
in worshipping you.

No, nothing I say,
can adaquetly communicate
to you the deep feelings
I get
at the simple rememberence
of the feel of your right butt,
cupping it warm in my hand.

Poem: My Wet Shack

It's wet out there boys and girls
yessirree!
That kind of day
where you nestle in your
prefab apartments
wallowing in the warmth
of a steaming oil furnace,
all snug and warm
in a pair of furry Jammies,
fresh from the dryer...

I should never have moved
to this Shack,
but it's too late now.
Two days with soaking blankets.
Fighting the wind with
hamer and nails,
tarps flapping in the wind.
I pray that the worst is over
- then it starts up again!
"Big storm coming in tonight"
the old black woman says to me.
"Another one?" I ask wearily.
"Yep, they'll be coming in strong all week, news says."
I'm not surprised.
I'll just have to fight the rain
while it's happening.

The dryers at the laundromat
seem suddenly quite underpriced,
as I thank God I have a few quarters
and worry about my wet shack.