Poem: Self-Pity Opera

A Master of Heart-Ache;
It's me, that I dub so.
Sadness, depression,
the depths of despair.
These have I known
and invoked
in my years.
The opposite too,
the warmth of sweet Love...
But only too briefly,
compared to above.

The last love I had,
who I'm now in despair for.
Christian,
her name,
in this life.
I loved her so much,
that I offered her marriage.
Not joking,
I offered,
my life.
She thought I was kidding,
(or maybe she wished so)
for she loved her Ex
more than me.
And needing to leave her,
I just couldn't stand it,
her sleeping with him,
not with me.

My current depression,
the heart-ache, the lonely.
I know it
from feelings
before.
Before there was Christian,
was six years of Sadness.
From Ruby,
my lover,
before.

And during that Darkness
were many
fine people.
Who offered
their love
up to me.
But all I could see
was my own dark Depression,
it was,
the one way,
I could be.

Before there was Ruby,
was Natalie,
too,
and the Sadness,
which came,
with her flight.
Drinking
and crying
and writing her letters;
Night after night,
after night.

Yet still before that,
was the loss of my Mother,
my House, my Inheritance,
my All.
She gave up my Future,
to some new Abuser,
who cared about me,
not at all.

Even before that,
I cried from confusion,
from the pain,
that was crippling,
my spine.
Anger supreme
at my filthy rich Father,
who refused
to help
make it fine.

But before my back,
came a series
of Lovers:
Older, and sexy,
refined.
All of those beauties
with one thing
in common;
they used me,
but just,
for one time.

When too young to date,
I suffered in silence,
Abused by my father,
and Ma.
I always imagined,
the day I'd be grown up,
and not have to deal
with it all.

And now that I'm grown up,
those dreams are unrealized;
At thirty
I feel
like a child.
And all of those joys,
that I knew in my life;
Compared to the pain,
are quite mild.

Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust (Part 3 and Finale)

... So in all truth I had hand written 23 more pages of this drivel analysing every minute aspect of my friend and my relationship over the years since the very begining.

Although I like to document all my feeling and writing... for this I said, "it's not worth it." I threw the pages on my dinner fire and watched them burn. For whatever his reasons he has chosen to go his own way and I will go mine. My only wish is that he had been man enough to say it to my face, rather than cowardly and hiding behind a lie.

Good bye old friend and good luck.

Letter Repost: Best Dumping I've Ever Got

[Names Changed to protect the Innocent. Best Dumping I ever got, but strangely similar to others.]

Dearest Jane Doe,
I just got home from our wonderful afternoon of love. I felt the need to email you tonight after having realized something about you and me. (I wish I could speak to you in person, but I'm leaving on Saturday morning and don't know if I could set up a rendezvous soon enough.) Jane Doe, you are so amazing. I am so immensely attracted to you it makes me crazy...your charm, your mind, your smiles, your loving...they make me so incredibly happy! You have inspired me, given me so much, and never asked for anything back.
I feel though like I can't be a good girlfriend to you. I want you to be completely in my life, but for some reason thats an issue for me.


It's totally my issue, because I worry about my friends' opinions way too much. But I do value their friendship a whole lot, and I know they want the best for me. And I know they will judge you based on your economic status and if you have a house or job or not, and it fucking sucks that it's like that. But I can't deny that it will happen, even though I wish it wouldn't. And I need someone that can be completely in my life.


I would love to be with you for a long long time Jane, but I'm afraid that I can't be your lover. Please please please forgive me...because I really really really don't want to say goodbye. This pains me so so much. I would love for us to stay together. The moments that you have given me have been so indescribably wonderful, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But eventually I'm going to need someone stable with a job that I can settle down with. And on Saturday I am going home, seeing my family, seeing Biff (who I dated over christmas) and that will probably resume.


Maybe we are meant to be friends Jane, not lovers. I don't know. It will be hard for me to not be your lover, but I think I could maybe do it. Anyway, I'm very glad to know you Jane, and would like to continue knowing you.


I'm sorry that this was said through email and not in the real non-electronic world. But maybe it's good that it was said here, because if I were to see you I don't think I could even do this. You completely capture me. All of these words are honest and from my heart.


Love always,
Cleopatra