She texts me again.
To tell me she "misses me,"
too.
She has sen the Poem about her
on my Blog;
The one I called
"I Miss Her."
I've told her before
not to mistake my blog
for "Truth."
Explaining it's only "Poetry."
only "Art."
She's never listened.
The last time we communicated
I told her never to email,
write,
or text to me,
ever again.
But she could phone
or visit
if she felt she wanted to.
In fact, I've told her,
asked her,
and begged her
many times
not to text me at all.
She's never listened before.
Against my "instincts",
my "better judgment,"
the advice of others,
my pride and self-esteem.
Pulled by my Blind-Heart,
loneliness,
habit,
and sleeplessness...
I texted her back,
wanting to know
the Only 3 Things
which she could tell me
that would make me Happy:
(1)First, that she had found good Doctors
who were prescribing her good, working, medicines;
for her painful medical problems.
(2)Second,
that she was taking her Medications as prescribed,
that they were enough,
that she no longer needed to go "outside" the Medical System
for relief.
And (3)Third,
the most painful to me personally.
That she had realized how unhealthy
her chronic ex-lover Jason was.
The Jason who she once "Loved more than me."
The Jason she had lied to me for.
The Jason who had abused her
over and over and over:
That she had finally realized he was bad for her.
That she had finally found the power
and self-respect
to cut him out of
her life forever.
The only answer I got was number (3) Three,
ignoring my questions (2) and (1):
"Jason and she are still 'platonic' friends."
The kick to my stomach.
She texts again:
"Can we talk on the phone?"
.
.
.
"If you call, I will answer."
I replied
after praying
after meditating.
(Though I wanted
to hear her voice so badly,
to see her, so badly.
To be inside her,
smell her again!
All of it, so badly).
I prepared myself for her call, waiting for hours.
Finally she texted again:
"I've wanted to call you so badly for the last two months,
that I'm too choked up to call right now...
give me a little time to rest."
Me texting, "OK."
Hours more of painful waiting for her.
Proud that no tears had come.
Amazed, really,
that I wasn't falling apart,
like I used to...
Finally it was nighttine,
time for me to sleep.
She didn't call.
My wish for something New with her was falling apart.
Everything was Old, so Old all over again.
Debating myself to send another text,
realizing I never should have answered the first one.
I went on with our sick, old, game:
"I will be going to bed soon, FYI," I texted,
"After all we've been through,
I don't care if you are crying,
or out of it, just call me please...
if you want to."
Her text came fast back to me:
"I just woke up, I'm still a little tired,
I hope you have a wonderful sleep
and sweet, sweet, dreams.
I love you and miss you,
but you can call me whenever you want,
if you feel like it,
Goodnight."
.
.
.
Illusion shattered in me
like a rock through a stained-glass window.
It had been a trick,
the same old trick,
and I'd fallen for it again.
Just like I'd used to.
She never was going to call me,
just manipulation games
to see how I'd respond.
My Final Text:
"I am not ready to communicate with you again.
I am willing/wanting to talk to you if you call.
Besides that, nothing has changed between us.
Thank you for your texts. My best."
Sadness in the pit of my stomach,
but no tears, no blame, no self pity.
Slightly amazed at the
Serenity and Clarity
I feel toward the incident.
I thought (prayed) that I got away unscathed.
But lying in bed, sleep did not come.
Eventually getting back up, puttering around,
meditating and praying for hours,
doing rituals I hadn't done in years;
Anything to keep me from the old pain
she brings.
Finally collapsing, fully dressed, on my bed,
Around 5:AM; I wake up again at 9:AM,
surprised by my pleasant dreams.
I still hope she finds the Courage to call.
I still pray, if she does, that I have the Security,
to Forgive her for everything past,
That my words to her will be filled
only with Truth and Love,
not with Resentment.
Praying that she will hear me.
I cannot force her to understand.
I cannot make her to respect my wishes and boundaries.
I cannot, though I want to so badly,
make her choose her friends wisely.
Rather than just accepting, whoever sticks to her.
All I can do is to wait and to work.
Wait to see if she get's better,
work on making myself better
in the meantime.
The proof of these words
is the Love I still have for her,
manifesting not in Tears and Self-Pity,
but in Patience,
and Acceptance,
of Reality.
Showing posts with label Illusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Illusion. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thoughts: Lessons I Learned as a Child
1) Whenever possible avoid telling the truth. Truth leads to beatings at worst and shrugs at best.
2) My opinions and feelings do not matter to anyone.
3) Never tell anyone what goes on at home. It's the worst thing you can do.
4) If I endure terrible treatment silently I wil be rewarded with toys and money.
5) Promises to me do not matter, they can be fullfilled or changed at any time, for any reason. Promises that I make, however, have to be fulfilled or I will be hurt.
6) I don't deserve to know the "truth."
7) Loking good to your neighbors and the outside world is more important than how you feel or how you are really doing.
8) Whenever possible to get away with, it's O.K. to cheat with money a little. Like buying a discount movie ticket you don't deserve or cheating on taxes.
9) No one would save me from my family and abuse. There is no escape ever.
10) Adults are most often petty, stupid, mean, selfish, greedy, and terrible at dealing with each other and the world at large. I can't wait to be one so I can slap the fuck out of my father and tell everyone else to "Fuck Off!"
11) My parent's divorce was my fault (They both confirm this to this day, although Mom sometimes changes her mind momentarily).
12) Even as far as adults go: Mine are exceptionaly vicious and stupid.
13) Teachers care more about disciplined behavior and repitition than actual learning.
14) I was often blamed successfully for acts I did not commit and nobody ever stood up for me. This taught me that I would always be in trouble no matter what I did.
15) Doctors and Psychiatrists do not care about helping you, they care about money and their "theories."
16) Money is easy to get.
17) Friends can help, but only momentarily, you always have to go back to your family alone.
18) Something called "genes" and my "family tree" said I was almost guarented to become an alchoholic or drug addict (whatever the heck those are!) when I grew up, unless I never touched the stuff.
19) My Mom liked my Dad more than she like the idea of neither Her nor I being beaten and yelled at by Him. Or she was just a big coward. I couldn't decide.
20) My Father didn't love or even like me. I was the worst part of his life and avoided him as much as possible (He confirms this to this day).
21) My Father was the best Lier in the world and no matter how much truth I told, people would always believe his lies instead of me.
22) Sometimes you just get punished for no reason at all, even if you are doing really good.
23) By controlling all information released about me to my parents, I could lesson the number of beating I got. Information is power.
24) Entertaining guests is very important. More important than me or my feelings.
25) The outside is everything, no one cares what goes on inside a person.
26) Buying T.V.'s, Roses, Stereo's, and a car, makes up for breaking dishes, slashing car tires, and other abuse.
27) I could depend on my family for pain and misery only. For everything else I was on my own.
28) Drinking alchohol was more important to my father than my mother and I.
29) Hide anything of value and write diaries in code. Your room will be searched constantly and your diary read. I have no right to privacy.
30) Dad counts every cent in his change jar (I should have remembered this oone ten years later).
31) No matter how old I got, I was never too old for a beating from my father or emotional torture from my mother.
32) Adults act stupid at parties.
33) Everything dies. Mostly pets killed accidentally by my mother.
34) My parents would rather have my school Priest tell me at Mass in front of the entire school that my dog had died, than have a heartfelt conversation with me.
35) If I'm going to get beaten to matter what I do... well, then, "Fuck it," right?
36) I can manipulate my mother into buying me things because oh her guilt. She knows that she is wrong for letting Dad act like he does. I might as well milk it. Toys are all I have.
37) If someone has to be beaten, I would rather it be Mom than me. It's her fault for staying with him (Ouch, I know, but it's what I felt at the time).
38) Girls like me... and I like girls!
39) I can meditate all by myself and get away from all the crap.
2) My opinions and feelings do not matter to anyone.
3) Never tell anyone what goes on at home. It's the worst thing you can do.
4) If I endure terrible treatment silently I wil be rewarded with toys and money.
5) Promises to me do not matter, they can be fullfilled or changed at any time, for any reason. Promises that I make, however, have to be fulfilled or I will be hurt.
6) I don't deserve to know the "truth."
7) Loking good to your neighbors and the outside world is more important than how you feel or how you are really doing.
8) Whenever possible to get away with, it's O.K. to cheat with money a little. Like buying a discount movie ticket you don't deserve or cheating on taxes.
9) No one would save me from my family and abuse. There is no escape ever.
10) Adults are most often petty, stupid, mean, selfish, greedy, and terrible at dealing with each other and the world at large. I can't wait to be one so I can slap the fuck out of my father and tell everyone else to "Fuck Off!"
11) My parent's divorce was my fault (They both confirm this to this day, although Mom sometimes changes her mind momentarily).
12) Even as far as adults go: Mine are exceptionaly vicious and stupid.
13) Teachers care more about disciplined behavior and repitition than actual learning.
14) I was often blamed successfully for acts I did not commit and nobody ever stood up for me. This taught me that I would always be in trouble no matter what I did.
15) Doctors and Psychiatrists do not care about helping you, they care about money and their "theories."
16) Money is easy to get.
17) Friends can help, but only momentarily, you always have to go back to your family alone.
18) Something called "genes" and my "family tree" said I was almost guarented to become an alchoholic or drug addict (whatever the heck those are!) when I grew up, unless I never touched the stuff.
19) My Mom liked my Dad more than she like the idea of neither Her nor I being beaten and yelled at by Him. Or she was just a big coward. I couldn't decide.
20) My Father didn't love or even like me. I was the worst part of his life and avoided him as much as possible (He confirms this to this day).
21) My Father was the best Lier in the world and no matter how much truth I told, people would always believe his lies instead of me.
22) Sometimes you just get punished for no reason at all, even if you are doing really good.
23) By controlling all information released about me to my parents, I could lesson the number of beating I got. Information is power.
24) Entertaining guests is very important. More important than me or my feelings.
25) The outside is everything, no one cares what goes on inside a person.
26) Buying T.V.'s, Roses, Stereo's, and a car, makes up for breaking dishes, slashing car tires, and other abuse.
27) I could depend on my family for pain and misery only. For everything else I was on my own.
28) Drinking alchohol was more important to my father than my mother and I.
29) Hide anything of value and write diaries in code. Your room will be searched constantly and your diary read. I have no right to privacy.
30) Dad counts every cent in his change jar (I should have remembered this oone ten years later).
31) No matter how old I got, I was never too old for a beating from my father or emotional torture from my mother.
32) Adults act stupid at parties.
33) Everything dies. Mostly pets killed accidentally by my mother.
34) My parents would rather have my school Priest tell me at Mass in front of the entire school that my dog had died, than have a heartfelt conversation with me.
35) If I'm going to get beaten to matter what I do... well, then, "Fuck it," right?
36) I can manipulate my mother into buying me things because oh her guilt. She knows that she is wrong for letting Dad act like he does. I might as well milk it. Toys are all I have.
37) If someone has to be beaten, I would rather it be Mom than me. It's her fault for staying with him (Ouch, I know, but it's what I felt at the time).
38) Girls like me... and I like girls!
39) I can meditate all by myself and get away from all the crap.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Poem: Dellusion
I have just discovered
that the reality behind
which I have been laboring
for so many years
is a complete sham.
I have long suspected and intuited this,
but I have finally obtained concrete proof.
There is no such thing as authority,
or those that know better than you.
They are all pretenders and scam artists;
Those who enjoy control, for some reason.
I do not desire to control, only to love.
Apparently I was dropped in the wrong world.
that the reality behind
which I have been laboring
for so many years
is a complete sham.
I have long suspected and intuited this,
but I have finally obtained concrete proof.
There is no such thing as authority,
or those that know better than you.
They are all pretenders and scam artists;
Those who enjoy control, for some reason.
I do not desire to control, only to love.
Apparently I was dropped in the wrong world.
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