Wanting it your way,
always just your way;
You and the future
and the plans
and lastly, though,
lastly, Me.
I try so hard
not to get too connected;
for both our sakes,
though I don't think you see that.
Playing games like a kitten,
just the edge of ferocity,
the glimmer of death,
in it's eyes.
Nature, the Hunter.
Your hunting does not stop,
once you have me.
Still you must force me through grates,
channels, analysis, obedience-training,
learning to come when you call,
to do whatever you want...
Unfair?
Perhaps.
It is as it is.
I want you truly and directly.
All pomp and circumstance be damned!
I want you directly.
Body to body,
Mind to Mind,
Soul to Soul.
Throw away these "tests" of my office,
the "games" of my affection for you.
Trust in me Lover,
come to me, Lover,
Make me as worthy,
as your Drug Pusher.
Showing posts with label Addicts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addicts. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Poem: The Addicts
Carmen might not be coming back.
Her evil twin remains.
Full of piss, bullshit, and vinegar,
in the body of my Love.
Spewing filth from every orifice.
What happened to the woman I love?
She's still in there.
Locked and silently screaming for escape
from her Lake-Prison of Bile.
Freedom from the Addict who confines her.
The Addict with no respect for me,
The Addict who lies,
The Addict who hides,
The Addict who whores others for drugs;
because She can.
The Addict I will not let step on me
any more.
If my Lover breaks free,
I'll welcome her home,
but take more Abuse from her twin,
I will not.
I value myself again.
I Love myself, again.
Traded places with my Addict,
keeping him locked up deep inside
(He still gets out sometimes, in truth).
Though he will never die,
I pray to Light,
he'll never control me again.
That goes for her Addict, too,
and every other Addict on Earth.
Because We all act the same.
For all we know,
they could all be the Same:
One giant octopus Addict,
working through us all.
Who knows?
I know this, though, now.
Love is a happier Life
than slavery.
I hope one day she'll join me.
Her evil twin remains.
Full of piss, bullshit, and vinegar,
in the body of my Love.
Spewing filth from every orifice.
What happened to the woman I love?
She's still in there.
Locked and silently screaming for escape
from her Lake-Prison of Bile.
Freedom from the Addict who confines her.
The Addict with no respect for me,
The Addict who lies,
The Addict who hides,
The Addict who whores others for drugs;
because She can.
The Addict I will not let step on me
any more.
If my Lover breaks free,
I'll welcome her home,
but take more Abuse from her twin,
I will not.
I value myself again.
I Love myself, again.
Traded places with my Addict,
keeping him locked up deep inside
(He still gets out sometimes, in truth).
Though he will never die,
I pray to Light,
he'll never control me again.
That goes for her Addict, too,
and every other Addict on Earth.
Because We all act the same.
For all we know,
they could all be the Same:
One giant octopus Addict,
working through us all.
Who knows?
I know this, though, now.
Love is a happier Life
than slavery.
I hope one day she'll join me.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Poem: Of Course Denial
I didn't know how much she liked me.
She hid it from me well.
Nor did I realize how much anger she kept
hidden in her delicate, bird-like, chest.
Nor how deep the roots of Addiction-denial ran.
Very deep indeed.
With every new letter she convicts herself further.
While thinking she is "scoring points,"
she really digs a grave,
turning my hope to
ashes in my mouth.
I pray it's not too late for her.
The patient not past saving.
But I am certainly no Doctor,
just a Junkie who knows another
when I see one.
It's something I've studied for years;
With two Diplomas from two rehabs
and six others incomplete.
It's fair to say I've seen my share,
and that Lady there fits the bill to a "T."
If the shoe fits,
deny it.
Trivialize it,
say you'll do it later,
blame someone else: anyone else,
pretend to be hurt or angry,
bring up something else,
but whatever you do,
don't admit you have a problem.
Lie, at least, or avoid it.
And no matter what
Don't
go to a Doctor
and tell them the truth.
Because then they might make a diagnosis.
God forbid they might actually
know how to cure her!
Then she'd really have no excuse
for using drugs.
The loss of "Control" one gets with a Doctor,
you know it's called a "Prescription"
and it comes with Rules!
Can you imagine?!
Actually taking drugs according to Rules
rather than whims?
I know, the thought alone can be traumatizing,
but from personal experience I can tell anyone
with the paradoxical mixture of
Addiction and Chronic Pain
that clear regulation and guidance of
pain-relieving drugs
is ultimately, supremely, more effective,
satisfying, desirable, and helpful,
on a daily basis,
than the nonsensical Chaos and Confusion
which existed of my life
prior to my commitment
to a reasonable pain-management program
in concordance with a good Doctor.
Not that you could have told me that
two years ago.
Oh, no, not me.
I was unique, you see.
(All the recovering addicts and alcoholics in the room laugh)
Terminally unique on more than one occasion.
It's a miracle I'm here today.
No, you couldn't tell me anything.
I had to go through almost limitless amounts of
bureaucracy and pure physical pain
to find out for myself that,
at least where drug addiction is concerned,
I am not unique at all.
I line up quite nicely with
all the millions of other
addicts and alcoholics on this planet.
I could choose to deny it,
but I would only be fooling myself.
My life, my past, and my present,
all speak for themselves.
And so it is with her.
And of course, she does not see it.
And of course, there is no way I can force her to.
I can recommend books, lectures, etc.
But just like me,
she will have to come to her own acceptance
on her own time.
My desires do not enter that equation in any way.
Ultimately, I will try to be around her as much as I can,
because I love her.
But as a recovering addict myself,
I need to be around people who are working
to make their lives better as I am.
So long as you live in Denial,
you can never get better.
Just keep treading water,
staying in the same place,
while life
and all of life's unique
one-time opportunities
pass you by.
She hid it from me well.
Nor did I realize how much anger she kept
hidden in her delicate, bird-like, chest.
Nor how deep the roots of Addiction-denial ran.
Very deep indeed.
With every new letter she convicts herself further.
While thinking she is "scoring points,"
she really digs a grave,
turning my hope to
ashes in my mouth.
I pray it's not too late for her.
The patient not past saving.
But I am certainly no Doctor,
just a Junkie who knows another
when I see one.
It's something I've studied for years;
With two Diplomas from two rehabs
and six others incomplete.
It's fair to say I've seen my share,
and that Lady there fits the bill to a "T."
If the shoe fits,
deny it.
Trivialize it,
say you'll do it later,
blame someone else: anyone else,
pretend to be hurt or angry,
bring up something else,
but whatever you do,
don't admit you have a problem.
Lie, at least, or avoid it.
And no matter what
Don't
go to a Doctor
and tell them the truth.
Because then they might make a diagnosis.
God forbid they might actually
know how to cure her!
Then she'd really have no excuse
for using drugs.
The loss of "Control" one gets with a Doctor,
you know it's called a "Prescription"
and it comes with Rules!
Can you imagine?!
Actually taking drugs according to Rules
rather than whims?
I know, the thought alone can be traumatizing,
but from personal experience I can tell anyone
with the paradoxical mixture of
Addiction and Chronic Pain
that clear regulation and guidance of
pain-relieving drugs
is ultimately, supremely, more effective,
satisfying, desirable, and helpful,
on a daily basis,
than the nonsensical Chaos and Confusion
which existed of my life
prior to my commitment
to a reasonable pain-management program
in concordance with a good Doctor.
Not that you could have told me that
two years ago.
Oh, no, not me.
I was unique, you see.
(All the recovering addicts and alcoholics in the room laugh)
Terminally unique on more than one occasion.
It's a miracle I'm here today.
No, you couldn't tell me anything.
I had to go through almost limitless amounts of
bureaucracy and pure physical pain
to find out for myself that,
at least where drug addiction is concerned,
I am not unique at all.
I line up quite nicely with
all the millions of other
addicts and alcoholics on this planet.
I could choose to deny it,
but I would only be fooling myself.
My life, my past, and my present,
all speak for themselves.
And so it is with her.
And of course, she does not see it.
And of course, there is no way I can force her to.
I can recommend books, lectures, etc.
But just like me,
she will have to come to her own acceptance
on her own time.
My desires do not enter that equation in any way.
Ultimately, I will try to be around her as much as I can,
because I love her.
But as a recovering addict myself,
I need to be around people who are working
to make their lives better as I am.
So long as you live in Denial,
you can never get better.
Just keep treading water,
staying in the same place,
while life
and all of life's unique
one-time opportunities
pass you by.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Poem: The Old Junkies Conundrum
"The drugs these days ain't got any legs on 'em.
Don't last as long, don't get you as high.
Everything they make now is crap.
Now in my day they had some gooood dope.
That shit got you high for days."
- The commonly heard refrain of an Old Junkie.
Isn't it possible, I propose innocently,
that the dope is the same (or even stronger)
than in your day?
Only you have changed?
Maybe you took so fucking much dope
that you used up your natural
neurotransmitter balance
and it would take years
of sobriety and Prozac
until your brain gets even close to
relatively average levels again?
The Old Junkie pauses for a moment
to think about what I just said.
But not much longer.
"Naaaaah, man. Nice try, though.
It's the dope.
It's just worse shit.
One day I'll find the good shit again
and then you'll see."
Found the "good shit" lately?
"Not for fifteen years," he says sadly.
Yet this common refrain goes on,
in many different languages,
all around the world.
"The drugs aren't what they used to be."
Sure.
Blame it on the drugs.
Don't last as long, don't get you as high.
Everything they make now is crap.
Now in my day they had some gooood dope.
That shit got you high for days."
- The commonly heard refrain of an Old Junkie.
Isn't it possible, I propose innocently,
that the dope is the same (or even stronger)
than in your day?
Only you have changed?
Maybe you took so fucking much dope
that you used up your natural
neurotransmitter balance
and it would take years
of sobriety and Prozac
until your brain gets even close to
relatively average levels again?
The Old Junkie pauses for a moment
to think about what I just said.
But not much longer.
"Naaaaah, man. Nice try, though.
It's the dope.
It's just worse shit.
One day I'll find the good shit again
and then you'll see."
Found the "good shit" lately?
"Not for fifteen years," he says sadly.
Yet this common refrain goes on,
in many different languages,
all around the world.
"The drugs aren't what they used to be."
Sure.
Blame it on the drugs.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
List: MY Bum/Lunatic/Drug Addict Movies!
[My Movie Picks for Good Movies about the Bum/Lunatic/Addict Life! Not in Order.]
1) Down and Out in Beverly Hills (Oh yessss!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090966/
2) Trading Places
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086465/
3) Basketball Diaries (Good book, too. Based on a true story.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112461/
4) Drugstore Cowboy
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097240/
5) Barfly
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092618/
6) The Big Lubowski (Of Course)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118715/
7) Naked Lunch
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102511/
8) Oliver Twist (Still valid today on the streets...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040662/
9) Le Miserable (Ditto)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119683/
10) Easy Rider (OF COURSE)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064276/
11) The Fisher King (Quite Accurate Portrayal by Williams...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101889/
12) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (The Bible)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073486/
13) Basquiat (Not all Bums are so Lucky, most go to jail for vandalism)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115632/
14) I Shot Andy Warhol (Valerie knows what it's like)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116594/
15) Crazy People (Okay, it's fun)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099316/
16) The Lost Weekend (Sometimes it happens...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037884/
17) Wise Blood (Not a bum, but a searcher all the same)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080140/
18) The Dream Team (More crazy fun!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097235/
19) The Devil's Rejects (Oh yeah)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0395584/
20) Strange Brew (They are Bums, right?)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086373/
21) Shakes the Clown (Kinda a bum, at least an Alchi. Get it, "Shakes?")
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102898/
22) Sante Sangre (My family life in metaphor)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098253/
23) Holy Mountain (My spiritual path in metaphor)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071615/
24) Wall-E (The picture of Fat, Lazy, society is very accurate)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/
25) Life Stinks (I wish!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102303/
26) Sid and Nancy (Too glamoris, needs more vomit, still pretty good)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091954/
27) Down By Law (Fuck, yeah!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090967/
28) Man Facing Southeast (It's True!)
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm451252992/tt0091214
29) State Property 2 (Realistic-ish)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0403537/
Honorable Mention
1) Traffic (Drugs, yo, for real)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0181865/
2) Clerks (boredom culture)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109445/
3) Party Monster (yes, this happens)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320244/
4) Bad Santa (not all criminals are all bad, truly)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/
5) Breakfast Club (That slacker guy you know is going to be a Bum)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088847/
6) 12 Monkeys (I feel it)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114746/
7) Repo Man (Lots of poor people)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087995/
8) Real Genius (that one guy who lives on campus at 40 is a great bum idol)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089886/
9) Broken Flowers (that's life, really)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412019/
10) Dumb and Dumber (they're bums, come on)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109686/
11) American Splendor (He's very poor, and realistic)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0305206/
12) The Craft (Hokey, but hey, it happens)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115963/
Dishonorable Mention
1) Annie (You Wish!)
1) Down and Out in Beverly Hills (Oh yessss!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090966/
2) Trading Places
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086465/
3) Basketball Diaries (Good book, too. Based on a true story.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112461/
4) Drugstore Cowboy
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097240/
5) Barfly
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092618/
6) The Big Lubowski (Of Course)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118715/
7) Naked Lunch
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102511/
8) Oliver Twist (Still valid today on the streets...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040662/
9) Le Miserable (Ditto)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119683/
10) Easy Rider (OF COURSE)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064276/
11) The Fisher King (Quite Accurate Portrayal by Williams...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101889/
12) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (The Bible)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073486/
13) Basquiat (Not all Bums are so Lucky, most go to jail for vandalism)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115632/
14) I Shot Andy Warhol (Valerie knows what it's like)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116594/
15) Crazy People (Okay, it's fun)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099316/
16) The Lost Weekend (Sometimes it happens...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037884/
17) Wise Blood (Not a bum, but a searcher all the same)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080140/
18) The Dream Team (More crazy fun!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097235/
19) The Devil's Rejects (Oh yeah)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0395584/
20) Strange Brew (They are Bums, right?)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086373/
21) Shakes the Clown (Kinda a bum, at least an Alchi. Get it, "Shakes?")
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102898/
22) Sante Sangre (My family life in metaphor)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098253/
23) Holy Mountain (My spiritual path in metaphor)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071615/
24) Wall-E (The picture of Fat, Lazy, society is very accurate)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/
25) Life Stinks (I wish!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102303/
26) Sid and Nancy (Too glamoris, needs more vomit, still pretty good)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091954/
27) Down By Law (Fuck, yeah!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090967/
28) Man Facing Southeast (It's True!)
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm451252992/tt0091214
29) State Property 2 (Realistic-ish)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0403537/
Honorable Mention
1) Traffic (Drugs, yo, for real)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0181865/
2) Clerks (boredom culture)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109445/
3) Party Monster (yes, this happens)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320244/
4) Bad Santa (not all criminals are all bad, truly)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/
5) Breakfast Club (That slacker guy you know is going to be a Bum)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088847/
6) 12 Monkeys (I feel it)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114746/
7) Repo Man (Lots of poor people)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087995/
8) Real Genius (that one guy who lives on campus at 40 is a great bum idol)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089886/
9) Broken Flowers (that's life, really)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412019/
10) Dumb and Dumber (they're bums, come on)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109686/
11) American Splendor (He's very poor, and realistic)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0305206/
12) The Craft (Hokey, but hey, it happens)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115963/
Dishonorable Mention
1) Annie (You Wish!)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Poem: Self-Myths
There were all these
Myths
about Heroin Addiction
that we beleived fervently.
Myths
that justified our continued use
like:
"You only become an addict if you
use it for three days in a row."
Looking back now,
these are the stupidist,
most obvious,
Lies
in existence.
But at the time we spoke them
like Ancient Sages;
Wise and Experienced.
Endlessly repeating our
"Universal Laws of Drug Use"
to all the other idiots,
future junkies,
who would listen to us.
How many beleifs,
which I hold right now,
will one day turn out,
to be just as stupid?
Myths
about Heroin Addiction
that we beleived fervently.
Myths
that justified our continued use
like:
"You only become an addict if you
use it for three days in a row."
Looking back now,
these are the stupidist,
most obvious,
Lies
in existence.
But at the time we spoke them
like Ancient Sages;
Wise and Experienced.
Endlessly repeating our
"Universal Laws of Drug Use"
to all the other idiots,
future junkies,
who would listen to us.
How many beleifs,
which I hold right now,
will one day turn out,
to be just as stupid?
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