Poem: From Pain to Pleasure

It's no wonder I have spent so much time:
Driven to Distraction.
In the spiral of time
I find my compulsions
(The women, the books, the substances)
Leading back to the same source:
Pain.
I have lived with it for years now,
have become adapted,
used to it.
I've dealt with my pain,
through diversion,
these years.
Throwing my all
into a new crush
or passion...

This method no longer serves me,
so well,
now that I see it in the light.
I would like to be free of physical pain.
I would like it very much.
My consciousness feels like a pin ball.
Constantly bouncing from one point
to the next.
At a moments notice,
from pain
to pleasure.

Poem: Old Man of the Mountain

The kind of day where
time just crawls.
Mechanical Universe Watch
winding down.
No way to force time to proceed,
though I wish it would.

Endurance and Perseverance:
The two wives of Patience.

Come to me, Old Man of the Mountain,
teach me your way of peace
and stillness.

That I may never worry again.
Amen.

Poem: The Center

I am the axle
at the center
of the wheel
my life turns around me

Circumstances change
things come
as they go
the wheel always turning

I am the axle
at the center
of the wheel
as I have ever been

The only thing I can
control
is my outlook

I am the axle
at the center
of the wheel

My center is empty
and that is how
the wheel turns.

Poem: One of Our Own

The Other Day
a woman was
bending over me
trying to inject
my veins with narcotics

And it was possibly
the most intimite
that I had been in
with anyone
in years

She was not a nurse
or a lover
Just another Junkie
trying to help out
one of her own.

Poem: They Look

They look out at me
from behind sad and frightened eyes
anger tightening the corner of their mouyths
But we have never met
they do not know me
still I feel the heat
of their anger weapon
directed at me

And maybe all of their life
is like this
anger and insecurity
of varying degrees

And maybe they are just
going through a rough period

If I am a mirror
shining back other's light,
those with the least
to reflect
might not want to be around me
to see how shallow
They Truely are.

One Act Play: Younger Woman and Older Man

Young Woman and Older Man
(or Love conquers not)

[A classroom on college campus, class is almost over]

YW: (He is so yummy, when will he notice me?)

OM: (Jeez, she is so hot, too bad I'm too old for her)

YW: (He doesn't even know I'm alive...)

OM: (She probobly thinks I'm a dirty older pervert)

YW: (Oh god, he's looking at me!)

OM: (Shit, she saw me looking at her, I'd better say hi)
"Uh, hi there. My name is Older Man."

YW: "My name is younger woman, nice to meet you."

OM: "What is your major?"

YW: "Literature, I'm a writer. What's yours?"

OM: (Jeez, she is so young)
"Anthropology."
(God, she is so hot! What am I doing talking to her? What good could possibly come from
this? Sure, I really want to sleep with her... but she probobly wants me to be her
boyfriend, take her out, do things with her and spend time with her friends, etc... I think
I am just to old for that.)

YW: "That is so cool, I love anthropology!"
(Look at his eyes, they are _gorgeous_, I'd totally sleep with him!)

OM: "Yeah it's a lot of fun. Where are you from?"
(Look at the way she is looking at me! She totally wants me... But I am just too old. If I
were to go out with her I'd be taking advantage of her, I just have too experienced too
much.)

YW: "Southern California, how about you?"
(Oh, and look at his arms! I get the the shivers just thinking about him enveloping me with
them and crushing me to his chest. Oh how I wish he would just sweep me of my feet!)

OM: "I'm from San Francisco originally."
(It's no use, I'm just too old. There is somebody else her age out there that is meant for
her. I would just be getting in the way... *sigh* I suppose I am just meant to be alone for
now.)

YW: "Well, um, it was nice talking to you, hope I see you later."
(Ask for my phone number!)

OM: (I think she wants me to ask for her phone number, but what then? I don't have time to be a
boyfreind. Damn, I'm sad.)
"Yeah, you too, later."

YW: [Exits class room and goes to drink and smoke pot with friends and make out with boy she likes less than older man.]

OM: [Exits class room and goes home to drink and smoke pot alone.]

Thoughts: Appearences (illusion)

Apearences are amazingly decietful and unreflective of the truth. I am constantly amazed by this fact. For example, I have been told that I am very handsome. I was even an actor on television when I was very young, for my beauty. It has been strange, being so handsome. I wear a beard now, just to cover it up a little. I can catch a person's eye and make them blush, by looks alone. I can get some people so hot, until they talk to me. See, I have an inside too, and a very unusual one at that. It's strange to see some stranger light up at seeing me looking at them. So I go over to talk to them and after some small talk it is obvious they nwre not interested in me at all, just my looks. They were happy to have someone who "looked like me" look at them. That's all. This principle works in reverse, too, though. For many days I feel almost blinded by all the sexy young people around me and i find my heart hurting as I think to myself sadly, "why don't I have one of those?"
Only lately has it been hitting me that those sexy young people are connected to minds, emotions, and souls, which might turn me off totally, once discovered. And I don't feel so bad about not having one. Still... It makes me remember back to when I used to dress all crazy, and color my hair, and paint my face, every day. If people are going to look, and judge by apearences, then let them look and give them something crazy to look at. Maybe it's partly college's fault. The heated elimi-date style of competition amoung many of the students to look hot. Add to that the unconcious message that college is "for finding a husband/wife" and you get very weird hormonal stuff going around.