Relationships: Friends, Family, Lovers, Co-workers, etc. I've been thinking a lot about human relationships lately, how they form, what makes them last, etc. I look at people on facebook and they have pictures with their friends where everyone is hugging and kissing and generally being very close to each other. I sometimes wonder why I don't have that kind of a bond with anyone and I have traced it to my lack of Crisis. All relationships are founded on Crisis, whether situational, emotional, mental, or whatnot. The more crisis which two people endure together, the closer their bond is. This is evidenced by co-dependence and the extreme difficulty many abused people have in leaving their abuser. The military, prisons, fraternities, and native indigenous religions and all well aware of this and create deliberate moments of crisis in order to make a bond between members of the group. And after the initiation, bootcamp, prison term, or hazing is over, the group is more unified for having survived.
To make a simplier example, let's say you and I are at a party and we meet for the first time and we're hanging out. We bullshit about our interests and whatnot and the night passes. At the end of the night you are very drunk and you are puking. This is a moment of crisis. You are embarrassed that you are so drunk and your a little scared. Suddenly I appear and take care of you, get you some water, call you a cab, whatever. The next morning you will feel a much more solid affinity for me, because in a moment of crisis, I was a support. Now I am a friend, when once I was an aquantance. Time goes on and we share more minor-party-crisis together, which reinforce our friendship, then one day my wife leaves me. It's a major crisis and I call you and you let me stay on your couch and help me through the divorce. After a crisis this big we are probobly very close friends because, we feel deeply, that we can "Trust" each other, based on historical solidarity.
For the most part, this is an unconscious process. The definition I have given to crisis here is esentially any altered state of consciousness. Because consciousness is fluid and constantly moving, the greater the change, the greater the bond which is formed. Think about all the experiences with bond people to each other: sex, birth, drugs, mutual experience, war, abuse, etc. In each example one's neurochemistry is changed and the more radically it alters, the more radical the bond can be.
So where does that leave me? I spend most of my life these days avoiding crisis and that removes the opportunity for me to make friends. Ah me.
funny that,
ReplyDeletei've had the same problem / blessing for many years. i don't invoke situations of deep conflict so i never really feel very deeply connected with others. but frankly, i think it has more to do with the person's tolerance for conflict than the conflict itself. for instance, high school friends who sneak out of their parents houses' to have a night on the town may feel so much emotion because of their relatively inconsequential rebellion that they form a strong bond. hence all the high school group hugging photos. where as you or i would have to experience some very extreme event (near-death) to even begin to feel that close to another person. this is the curse of having living a very adventurous & solitary life...
on a positive note, we don't really need to have conflict to get our social needs met. we can just accept the relative shallowness and inconsistent nature of our friendships, partnerships, and acquaintanceships and be grateful for what little connection they offer. at least that is how i keep my heart full these days...