So I've been Celibate of mind and body for just over 2 years now. Yes, kids, that means no porn or Auto-Erotica either, and no wet dreams. And for the most part, I've been enjoying it very much.
After some token struggle my libido gave up the fight and now I get to view members of the opposite sex in a much more objective light than previously. Hooray for me. The only aftertaste being that, once in a while, during some romantic flick or moment, I think of my Moonbean, and I feel my heart, and remember that I am still in love with the last woman I was with. But it's bareable.
In fact, She is a major part of the reason I'm studying to join the church and be Celebate for the rest of my life... but that's another story...
Being the retired Hacker that I am I maintain many various e-mail accounts, some more Anonymous than others.
One day, on a very, very Anonymous and very, very New Account that doesn't even get spam, I get this Love Poem.
It could be spam, but this address doesn't get any and its much too personal. It stabs me straight to the heart. It must be written by someone I know! It must be real!
I do my Sherlock Holmes thing and there are only 3 Candidates who could have written it: My mother (no way to get the address), My God-Daughter (could get the address, but isn't that Stalky), and my Moonbean.
My Heart opens up as I convince myself that Moonbean sent it. That she still loves me, like I do her. I begin to think about women in ways I haven't for over 2 years... In short, I feel /WONDERFUL/.
First I e-mail her, begging her to come to me as soon as she Wilt, fly into my arms, that night if she could! Then I lifted the 1000-pound phone and left a few messages. I'm careful to let her know that I don't *know* it's her, not yet, but who else could it possibly be?
Moonbean often took a while to reply, so I know my wait could be a while. And last time I saw her she was so ill that she seemed to barely be able to handle simple e-mails or voicemails or what day or the week it was, so who knows how she is now. For all i knew she had a wonderful new boyfriend she loved and still hated me.
about a week goes by until I find out it's my Goddaughter...
... and really I just smile. It' a Divine Comedy, after all. Jokes on me. Jokes on Moonbean, depending how she takes all this, which I'll probably never know... because the woman I waited a year for... The only woman I let date another man concurrently with me... The woman I've never stopped loving from the moment we met... almost definitely still hates me too much to write or call, even if she is well enough...
... My goddaughter is in big trouble for Stalking me and sending me an Anonymous Love letter without thinking through the possible ramifications...
... And I'm starting to cry again. Over a two-year-dead relationship. Looking over the course of my Life, I seem to enjoy being "Heartbroken," as I spend so much time at it, though it does not feel like I have control over it, i do have some...
...But heartbreak is not what this story is about, so much as The Power of The Word. Even as I read the Love Letter; I /KNEW/ it was ANONYMOUS. But I let it take Power over me. Gave it a name and a face and an Identity. I volunteered for a ride on the Love Train. And now that the Wound is reopened I'm having a hard time closing it...
Watch those Words, folks, and be careful how much you Think you can "Take." Your Heart may be for vulnerable than you are aware and some Bells you cannot Unring.
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