Poem: Selfish Lover

The most selfish lover I've ever had
yelling at a homeless, family-less,
friendless, mentally-ill man.
From the center of her castle,
surrounded by sisters
and all other forms of her power.

Once she had enticed me into her realm,
surrounded,
then she decided to torture me.
Miles from anywhere,
too late and too tired to
take a bus or train.
She knew she had me
in the palm of her hand.
There was nothing I could do.
Would she use her Power ro heal me?
To help me?
Cater to me and massage my aching body?
Knowing how hard my life on the streets is?

No.

No.

She would squeeze her fist shut.
Strangling me inside,
until I fled,
or until I died.
I wanted to go.
Wanted her to be quiet and just hold me.
I wanted to go to bed so badly,
wanted to sleep next to her.
That's the promise she lured me back there with.
Imagine!
Just Imagine!
A night in bed for a change! A real bed!
And with a woman to hug!
Wow - it sounded like Heaven.
Too good to be true, sure enough.

But she left me alone in bed.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
It's wierd to be in someones room without them.
When I couldn't stand the waiting anymore
I got up to ask her if she was coming to bed
and she yelled at me:
"You can't control me! What if I don't want to go to bed! You always do this! Why can't I just do a few things! I'm not your slave!"

I couldn't understand it, but I knew
my Illusion was over.
There would be no sweet bed for me this night.
No loving human to hold.
It was all a trick from god.
I was so happy- for a moment. I thought,
"I should leave right away,"
but it was too late at night
and I was so, so, tired.
I tried to hug her, to calm her down,
hoping my loving touch would help.
"Don't you ever fucking touch me
without my permission!"

So hugging was out too.
I was too tired to talk
but I tried anyways.
Nothing helped.
She was a screeching evil shrew
who completely hated me
for some reason I could not comprehend.

I thought we were lovers.

After more talking,
mostly me saying ingenuously,
that I'm totally wrong
and she's totally right,
about whatever evil
figment she'd made up
as a sudden excuse for hating me.

Then some mutual crying
and she was at least a little calmer.
I took a handful of pills to fall asleep
- alone of course.

When I awoke in the morning
she was next to me in bed.
I tried to hug her, but she pushed me off.
I tried again and she pushed me off much harder.
The house was a mess.
My things were all over the place.
I couldn't find them all,
especially my favorite sweatshirt,
but I had to get out of there as fast as I could.

My broken heart was heavy
and covered with spidery lines of fracture,
cracked in my chest, oozing pain.
as I started the long walk to BART.
No hug. No wish good luck.

I shoulda just stayed on the streets.
It would have been a lot less painful than this
selfish, selfish, woman.
Who couldn't find it in her heart
to just be quiet and hold a homeless man
for comfort.
She had to "make her point"
by dealing out Abuse
instead.

Sadness upon sadness.