Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust (Part 2)

He says to me mean things, designed to hurt, shame, embarrass, and mostly to secure his superiority. In fifteen years I cannot remember him being truly humble. On the contrary, his ego has grown. Is this Why he attacks me? I, the lone witness to his transformation from scared boy forced to find his way in the world alone... to scared adult, surrounded by expensive toys and tools. By "friends" who go out with h im, never truly caring about him at all. To them he is a tool. Literally, to be used for his skills, but that is all he is to them.
There are at least one or maybe two friends of his who would actually piss on him if he was on fire and he knows this. He's admitted it to me flatly and wondered where to find true friends and lovers in this world. Except for me, of course, good old Jane Doe. When did it start to change? When he worked in the Presidio and got me that room there, might have been near the point. Dad was giving me hell and certainly My Friend was no help there. He rarely did try to help when things went wrong. He was often just like, "your loss dude, want to play my new video game?"
So though he has no real friends, he destroys the best he has. Because no matter what he thinks, I was his best friend. I would have done time for him, I loved him that much.
One say he invited me to make cookies with him or jam or something at this kitchen he rented. I got excited and walked most of the way from the hospital. When I got there he didn't even let me inm the kitchen, told me he had plenty of help. Seemed like an oversight, but I got a very real feeling that he didn't trust me in the kitchen. I don't know why.
Then again he mentions that he will be gone for a week and he would let me hang out at his place during the day if I fed his rats. Because I was homeless this was very exciting to me, it wouuld have been a very cool blessing... but, at the last moment a change of plans and it wouldn't be me, it would be another friend of his who I'd never heard of. Why him instead of me? I didn't get it at the time, but I was hurt.
The fact that I was now some lowley creature to him, whom he didn't trust, or even like, just tolerated. The showers he let me take made him smirk with pleasure, like he sadistically enjoyed my lowly societal standing. Or was it simply the owners of the rats who didn't trust me? I don't know because noone respected me enough to tell me.
He's been building up to this for some time, for a reason beyond me, but I speculate it's bald greed and insecurity about his self image. I threaten the lies he wants to create about himself because I know the truth. Maybe he was only keeping me around in hopes that I would get back with my rich Father and he could use that relationjship to his advantage. Now that he realizes that wont happen I'm useless to him.
He probably thinks of me as an anchor on him, holding him back, pulling him down and he needs to free himself from me for success, Ha! And maybe he's right. I have always grounded him in reality, perhaps he needs to fly off into Ego space, surrounding himself with Yes Men, throwing his money and work into some stupid money making scheme. Let him marry a manipulative shrew who will make him miserable for all of his days, because I wont be there to tell him the truth to his face.
He even referred to my years as a Junkie, blatantly implying that I was using it now. How very sad that he would be so evil. Where is all this venom coming from and why am I the focus of it?
One day he will catch the real theif, I hope. Then he will feel like the real jack-ass that he is. But he will probabl;y be too pompous to admit it to anyone (if he didn't make up the theft entirely).
This is what I get for... oh yeah, that's right, nothing. I didn't do anything and out of six people who were present my oldest friend fingered me as the thief. It's like God shat on me. And every time I write to him he replies like I'm guilty and he is my abusive girlfriend. I couldn't control any of these things, so all I can do is let it go and write it out for history to decide. I'd gladly tell my friend to "fuck off," but suddenly he's apparently offended by bad language and names, he told me. Ha ha ha. When did we turn into a pair of gay lovers? Or worse, when did I become his Employee? "How dare you use such language with me!" He says, like he is some big shit.
To be honest, I may even be able to forgive him, because this is all so stupid. A handfull of change? Jesus, I might forgive him if he apologizes for thinking I could do that and for not just asking me if I did it.

Question & Answer

Q: What's more pathetic than going out to prostitute your body for money?

A: Coming home without getting a single customer.

Poem: Shaving on T.V.

I was Watching this guy
on T.V. this morning
and he was shaving
and doing a really bad job
- just cuttin up his face,
and I was laughing at him
til I saw it was me
using an old T.V. screen
to shave in.

Letter Repost: Best Dumping I've Ever Got

[Names Changed to protect the Innocent. Best Dumping I ever got, but strangely similar to others.]

Dearest Jane Doe,
I just got home from our wonderful afternoon of love. I felt the need to email you tonight after having realized something about you and me. (I wish I could speak to you in person, but I'm leaving on Saturday morning and don't know if I could set up a rendezvous soon enough.) Jane Doe, you are so amazing. I am so immensely attracted to you it makes me crazy...your charm, your mind, your smiles, your loving...they make me so incredibly happy! You have inspired me, given me so much, and never asked for anything back.
I feel though like I can't be a good girlfriend to you. I want you to be completely in my life, but for some reason thats an issue for me.


It's totally my issue, because I worry about my friends' opinions way too much. But I do value their friendship a whole lot, and I know they want the best for me. And I know they will judge you based on your economic status and if you have a house or job or not, and it fucking sucks that it's like that. But I can't deny that it will happen, even though I wish it wouldn't. And I need someone that can be completely in my life.


I would love to be with you for a long long time Jane, but I'm afraid that I can't be your lover. Please please please forgive me...because I really really really don't want to say goodbye. This pains me so so much. I would love for us to stay together. The moments that you have given me have been so indescribably wonderful, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But eventually I'm going to need someone stable with a job that I can settle down with. And on Saturday I am going home, seeing my family, seeing Biff (who I dated over christmas) and that will probably resume.


Maybe we are meant to be friends Jane, not lovers. I don't know. It will be hard for me to not be your lover, but I think I could maybe do it. Anyway, I'm very glad to know you Jane, and would like to continue knowing you.


I'm sorry that this was said through email and not in the real non-electronic world. But maybe it's good that it was said here, because if I were to see you I don't think I could even do this. You completely capture me. All of these words are honest and from my heart.


Love always,
Cleopatra

Poem: My Secret

I am so fragile, my love.
Every day I think you've
stopped loving me.
Feel it in my heart,
know it in my chest.
Tell me, my love,
that you love me now,
tell me that you always will.
And fend off my lonely pain
for a little while longer.

Poem: Your Right Butt

You beautiful creature
what are you doing
with me?
Each centimeter of your body,
brings me near orgasm,
touching, brushing, against.
How could it be that I am so lucky?
To have one for me,
for now, at least.
Oh Goddess never leave me,
I'll do my very best!
But your growth must come first
and I understand that.
Never imagined
being so weakened
by passion and caring
for you.
Your slightest warm touch
send me reeling to
electric orgasm
and wet gooey pants.
My days of a Sex Master
Lord of Control,
fall limp
in awe of your presence.
I surrender my sex to you at this time.
All preconceptions are gone.
To enter The Garden
with you at my side
please lead me
in worshipping you.

No, nothing I say,
can adaquetly communicate
to you the deep feelings
I get
at the simple rememberence
of the feel of your right butt,
cupping it warm in my hand.

Poem: My Wet Shack

It's wet out there boys and girls
yessirree!
That kind of day
where you nestle in your
prefab apartments
wallowing in the warmth
of a steaming oil furnace,
all snug and warm
in a pair of furry Jammies,
fresh from the dryer...

I should never have moved
to this Shack,
but it's too late now.
Two days with soaking blankets.
Fighting the wind with
hamer and nails,
tarps flapping in the wind.
I pray that the worst is over
- then it starts up again!
"Big storm coming in tonight"
the old black woman says to me.
"Another one?" I ask wearily.
"Yep, they'll be coming in strong all week, news says."
I'm not surprised.
I'll just have to fight the rain
while it's happening.

The dryers at the laundromat
seem suddenly quite underpriced,
as I thank God I have a few quarters
and worry about my wet shack.

Poem: Payday

After the money
comes #1
after #1 comes #2
after #2 comes #3
after #3 comes #4
after #4
I begin to feel O.k.
My body, thoughts, and emotions,
finally calm, finally relaxed.
For a small bit of time,
for a pricey and ever
more complicated series
of interactions
I can acheive artificial peace
and be truly happy.
One time a month.

Poem: The Thinker

All day busy
thinking about things.
No music, no reading,
no interruptions.
Just the noise of the world
and my thoughts
the wistful, flighty,
taciturn thoughts.
Tiny fears, smaller hopes,
loves and insecurities.
There seems to be no end,
no decision to be reached.
Just thought, a moment
of concentration held
on one topic.
Like housing or money
or things I should change.
Wishes, complaints,
my neverending quest
to convince myself
that life is good
and I have every reason
to feel good
and be proud of my actions
and my accomplishments.

This does not come easy.
At some unknown resevior
a feeling insists primaly
that something is wrong.
It's my job to fix it,
as certainly no one else will.
It's very wrongness is my fault.
As God of my realm of perception
I control all that occurs.
If fault exists,
the fault is mine.

So I continue to think.
Trying desperqatly to fix
whatever it is
that's wrong
with my life.

Fiction: A Man's Love

Dirty again.
When man aspires to Love He is truly convinced that he would give everything he has in consumation of that love. The longer he goes without the object of his longing, the more desireable that object becomes.
Once acheived?
Well, then the goal is worthless. Transformed from unnatainable pricelessness into a common base desire fulfilled; worthless and sometimes even despicable - hated for the passion she arouses within him.
On the strength of this fickle-seeming Love of Mans' entire cities have been built and burned. The Love of a Man as rooted as it is in Illusory Perception is a tangable force. The manipulation, generation, and destruction of which has been the focus of generation after generation of peoples.
So potent, this Love, that even when the male is aware that he is under the influence of the deceptive Love agent, he still will trust his own senses and instinct. The very instincts that tell him he would give his life, for just one kiss.
What a strange, spiked, brew that keeps man returning to the Tap. When he should be aware that most his new fears, result in the loss of something he never had to begin with.
That everything should be this way; A Man's delusion used to prey upon an energy otherwise lost, gives up his hearts' freedom, at oh what a cost?

Poem: Life Lingers Long

Be wary, Son, when life looks swell,
for that is when it goes to Hell.
There's no security to peace,
except that soon there'll be a Beast,
creeping deep into your heart,
to start to rend and tear apart;
And when you're sure that you are safe,
then that's the time you will be raped.
The life it holds no Love for you,
believe me when I say "You're Screwed."

Poem: My Facade

I act so strong
and old and wise;
it's just an act to hypnotize.
To make you think
it's safe to be
within my arms
and feeling free.
When it's time
for you to go,
the truth comes out
in tears that flow.
I never was strong,
mature or wise,
Just what I had to;
pretend I'm alive.
But underneath
my brave and bluff
sits one small scared
and lonely pup.
A lost tramp mutt who
WIshes the Vet
would find him crying
in his shame
stick in the needle
and kill all his pain.

Poem: I Miss My Mommy

I miss my mommy
(tears unbidden)
I miss her so much.
I wish she would hug me
and tell me it's all going to be OK.
I wish she'd buy me a new pair of shoes
and give me money and say
"Whatever I have, I will always share it with you."
I loved her so much
(tears tears tears)
Not the fake mommy,
who I don't even know,
the fake mom mommy
who tastes like
an abusive Father
and wont give me
two quarters
for a phone call.
I miss my mommy so much,
but there is nothing I can do
to get her back.

She's gone to the land
of Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
and she'll never love me again
because
Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
don't know how to give.
All they do is take
take
take.
I miss my mommy so much.
But tears wont bring her back.

Poem: Other Women

When I see another beautiful woman,
now,
I only think of you.
I think
"I have one of those"
proudly and
"mine is the best!"
Then my cheeks warm in a smile.
It might sound materialistic,
to put it like that,
he has one,
I want one too.
But I would want you,
even if there were no others
and we're just strange alien fungii.

Thoughts: Watching TV

I was watching this guy
on TV
this morning
and he was shaving
and doing a really bad job -
just cuttin up his face,
and I was laughing at him
'til I saw it was me
using an old TV Screen
to shave in.

Poem: Temptations

I don't want to check my email.
I don't care who it is.
I do not want to see a letter
which will make me think of sin.
But what if I have won the Lottery,
what if my lovers' wrote.
I guess I'll just log on for a second,
argh.

Poem: Networks

I'm getting more scared of computers.
Or networks to be more exact.
That every time
I go out for a look
there are messages
waiting for me.

Some are commercials
and some are commands.
SOme are mere quewstions,
some music from bands.
But all of this data
I can no longer stand
when I just logged on to say
"I Miss you."

Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust

Today my oldest friend accused me of robbing from him "a handfull of change" from his changejar while making out with my girlfriend in his rom on a visit. Regardless of the fact that I have a witness and alibi, I have known this friend for over fifteen years.
From boyhood to manhood, through numbers of jobs and scores of relationships. Never, in htis period of time, have I stolen from him, from any of his friends, from any of my friends. The only "stealing" I have ever done has been in the form of Robin Hood like escapades of taking candy from insured corporations- but when it came to private individuals-never, ever, ever.
And so it shook me on a most personal and painful part when I discovered that my so-called oldest friend had convicted me of this crime. For indeed he did not confront me with his acusations, but instead simply believed them in his dark heart to be true and left it at that. Not even a second thought in defense of his old friend. While I badgered him with quiries as to why I hadn't heard from him, why he had broken his word to me on certain matters, and when I might see him again.
To this my query he responded that his reticence was due to the matter of "a handful of change" which had come up missing and it was believed I took it! The Gall! The disrespect! Has he no shame at all? Is empathy even in his vocabulary? To be stabbed first in the back, then in the front by a supposed dear friend... I cannot express the pain which comes in my tears. The closest equivilant is that of having a lover cheat on you. For I had beleived him to be a solid and true friend, worthy of the word Love as a wife or brother.
And woe to be sure he could be saying the same things about me in his imagination - "that I have stolen" -BUT! His feeling would be cheaper when compared to mine in this matter because he has plenty of change and his loss is a only little, while I have only one good name that he besmirthces ruthlessly and only few old friends of which he proposes to destroy one.
And seeing as how I did not touch his coins, his imagination shows his true nature to the world to be a scroogly miser, so quick to throw away a friend for a hand full of change.
I'll say it again, though in truth there is no need. I took no coins from my oldest friend, indeed from any of my friends. But maybe I owe a debt of gratitude and thanks to the theif or pinch-penny who did. For it it's even true that some change was taken from him, the reaction of my friend in singling me out shown what lies waiting under his skinly facade. He despises my poverty, looks down on it, thinks all poor people are bums who will steal from your coin jar.
I would have trusted him with my life and he doesn't trust me with change. Sir, if you still be my friend, if I can still bare it, you need to reexamine your values and what's important to you. Because although you have done a lot for me, that was all given. I did not take anything, I do not owe you anything. You are not better than be because you have money and have done things for me. And holding those things over my head sayig "But I have done this, that, and the other thing" is truly pathetic and low, don't you think? Is life an accounting where we all owe each other? Fuck you if it is.
Why would he go to such great difficulty to end our friendship? To make up a lie like that? He knows that I use his address for tax reasons and to lose that would seriuosly fuck me up. I woulnd't jepordize that for change he would have given me. Any way you look at this situation points away from me doing it. Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with me because I am poor, no really, but he doesn't want to admit to being so shallow so he makes upa bullshit excuse that he could feel good about; "Oh, he stole from me, so we stopped being friends."
I don't know what this is, but it's not like him. Actually, on second thought, it kinda is like him lately. Everyone changes and that's for sure. I just hope I'm not watching him change into a materialist asshole who thinks all poor people are theives. I've seen it coming for a while.
Maybe the saddest part for me is that I can't really think of anything he could do to make this up to me. I really thought he was better than this. Now I go to cry as another friend bites the dust. I really loved him, never BS'd him, rest in peace.

I hope your new friends are every bit as shallow, suspicious, and superficial, as you are. As long as I have known you you have grown greedier and greedier and snider and snider. But I said nothing, because I was your friend and the few times I tried to tell you you wouldn't hear me. From the first time you saw "real money" when you were living in Pacifica with Daniel,e you used that money to engage in exclusive activities: "Sorry Barrett I'm going deep sea fishing this weekend, I know you can't afford it, but I'll tell you all about it. Sorry Barrett, going racecar driving, etc, etc." But I never held it against you, just watched as you played with your money in exclusivity, sharing very little. Always an open bar sure, and a couch sure, but you never did any more for me that any of my other friends who were much poorer than you. It seemed like money for you was for spending, clubbing, eating out, and having the best toys.
Then the period with Jaquelene came and you started blowing glass and coloring your hair and I was really happy for you because you got less greedy and started getting back to your roots and your heart and the things that really matter in life. But that didn't last forever and now, how are you now?
A return to the greed which has always existed in you. No sir, I stole nothing from you, not ever. The booze was offered whether you remember or not. And that's something that most people give. When you presume to thik that I took some of your change unbidden I know you have finally fucking cracked.
You are greedy. That's all there is to it. Remember when you said I could watch the rats while you were away on vacation? Never happened? I never mentioned it at the time becaue I knew why: You didn't trust me. Even before your figmentory change incident. So now I know.
You don't trust me and that makes you stupid and a bad judje of character because I am a solid guy who nevre has and never would have ripped you off you prick. You are starting to act just like my father, forgetting who your friends are, Godd luck, buddy. I'm the most trustworthy person you know and you just crapped all over me. Good luck, you'll need it.