This finally hit me today. I am just turned 27 and I will never be loved again, like when I was young. I will be loved in new ways, different ways, but never like young love. In those ancient, far begone, times my teen lovers loved me more than anythings in the world. And I them. In fits of hormonal passion we would make love in public and write endless poetry about each other. Being totally free in the experimentation of ourselves, with ourselves.
I am not the boy that I once was. I now have established routines, emotional patterns, filters, guards, too much life history to tell someone on a first date, I could go on. And there is this illusion that is very popular; That a young lover in bed can cure most of life's problems. I admit, I have been caught up in it. Through some patience I have come to understand that it is not the young body which is so desirable to me, like a nubile 19 year old. It is the possibility for complete affection and desire from another.
As I have said, the older one gets the more crap piles up. It's inevitable unless one is a Buddhist monk. And for many people in my age bracket, unconditional love comes only through a great uphill battle. Because we have all been hurt before, too many times, to be unwary in the realm of love. In this way, youth is the metaphor of the Garden of Eden, as stated by Joseph Cambel. That land of innocence, where we do not even know we are naked, that we get cast out of. Destined to toil in the dust.
This is not to say that true, free, love is not possible for adults. Only because of the cultural encoding of our various societies are we so severely hampered in this area by the time we reach full physical maturity. And so we get a world society where pedophilia is on the rise and children are having sex - not because they are so horny they have to (which would be fine by me) - but because it is "cool." Because they think they should. I thank the corporate controlled media for this. This results in many youths never getting the freedom of youth at all and that sucks, man.
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2 comments:
Its like freedom by association. . . Have you watched a 19 year old sleep, so at peace, far less of the worries of the world weighing even their sleeping hours. The gravity of each decision you make the further and further you are in life an almost foreign concept to them. They lift some of your own weight and you get to live vicariously for a time. And then they start talking about impossible things and you end up being one of their life lessons. ahem...tmi? :)
Thak you, Little Fish... I have not read this post in a long while, but it is just as true today. Indeed you are right. Old people have been vampirously sucking the essence of youths thousands of years... fun for a moment, but never works out in the end...
Have you ever watched a beat-up old drunk sleep in the gutter? They too, can look innocent...
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