Poem: Time is Changing (again)

Tine is changing again
just as I was getting comfortable
I always know
that circumstances
are temporary
and the change is always
for the best

But I will miss Santa Cruz
and the time I had there
I got what I could
and learned what I needed to
now it is time to move on

Nothing good would come
from me staying
everything which
you will not let go of
will be taken from you
better to leave
with grace and forethought
than to crash
in sadness and horror

I've felt it coming for some time
from deep down inside
the next chapter of my life
the next chapter of my book

Being a homeless drunk
was better than
being a homeless heroin addict
being in rehab
was better than
being a homeless drunk
living with my Uncle in Sacramento
was better than rehab
and Santa Cruz
was better than Sacramento

Surely my life will continue to improve
no profit in pining
for things already lost
better to focus on the good
of things to come

All of which
are in store for me

Poem: Dark Intimations

Woke up scared
this morning
needing to hide
then I got angry
at an old friend
for treating me badly

I want to stay inside today
and hide
glad I don't have
much to do

Dark intimations
of my future
"Everything will change"
the wind says
and soon

Poem: Our First Date

It's almost midnight
and we are standing
by the ocean
together
I put my arm around her shoulder
resting my head on hers
It's the first time
and it feels good
very good
my penis begins to stiffen
"Traitor!"
I yell at it silently to myself
"Not now!"
But it continues to throb
I ignore it successfully
but never-the-less
I wish it wouldn't intrude.

Poem: Meeting her Friends

Meeting her friends
is a panic attack
even the thought
makes my heart hurt

They will scrutinize me
They will examine me
They will observe
and judge
my every action

Of Course
I would do the same
if I were in their position
protect those you love

I am afraid of scrutiny

Not because I am lacking
but because I am too much
too much to judge, in a moment

and I have no idea
how to explain myself

I spend much of my time
trying to understand myself
and if _I_ am still working on it
how can they have any hope?
In only a moment?

"It's a time of opportunity,"
the guy next to me at the bar says
as I write this

"She's trying to incorporate
me into her world!"
My mind screams

many have tried...
I feel part of them all,
but not a member of any.

I know
and have known
so
many
people

that I don't know what to do with
the memories...
Where is the room
for more
new people

Already I don't know
what to do with
the memories I have

Except to write them down
as stories
which can never reflect
the true stories
of the people that were
themselves

Though I rarely want to write
it's an artistic problem
to capture the beauty
of another.

But I must try
what else can I do?

Poem: Compromise

Compromise
does not come naturally to me
any more
but she deserves it

The majority of compromises
I have made in my life
have been made not for love
but for survival or safety

That must be why
I feel so used
every time I make one

But these are different kinds

I live alone
do not go out much
and rarely hang out with friends
I need to learn
that these two
are not the same

Compromise
does not mean
failure
does not mean
giving up control
does not mean
being weak
does not mean
having less fun

It is a choice
a decision which is made
that gives it's own rewards
different from those given
by not compromising

Poem: The Great Secret

You can tell someone
the greatest magickal secret
in the universe

If they are not ready
they will not hear

This is why every magickal society
has degrees of initiation.

Because a person is not ready
to understand certain truths
until they have learned
more basic truths.

They will just ignore it.

Poem: Loving Again

Learning to love again
to find true interest
in another
loving all that they do
is frightening

Dredged up from
my oldest memories
I remember these
feelings
from long, long, ago

I wish to dive into
this river
and drown forever
fast and hard

But time tells me
this is the path
to failure and loss

Destroying my blessings
as soon as they appear
is one way to ensure
I do not have to face
The Love

I have been alone
and loney
for so long
it is comfortable
home to me

When the Devil
was first cast
into the fires of hell
he rallied his troops for a speach:
"This fire may burn us now...
But after Aeons of time
this same fire
will become to us
as mother's milk
and without it
we'd be lost"

I know now
what he means

love has never before
been so frighteneing
open, vulnerable, and new
A brief light
in the darkness
but darkness is my home

I wish to retreat
but where will it end?
If not now, then when?

Shall I live in the dark
for the rest of my days?

I could
I know
because many do

yet somehow I know
that's not what is meant
for me

all that's left to do
is be patient and wait
feel my new feelings
and not destroy the cause

I cannot control the world

surrender:
The only way.