I act so strong
and old and wise;
it's just an act to hypnotize.
To make you think
it's safe to be
within my arms
and feeling free.
When it's time
for you to go,
the truth comes out
in tears that flow.
I never was strong,
mature or wise,
Just what I had to;
pretend I'm alive.
But underneath
my brave and bluff
sits one small scared
and lonely pup.
A lost tramp mutt who
WIshes the Vet
would find him crying
in his shame
stick in the needle
and kill all his pain.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Poem: I Miss My Mommy
I miss my mommy
(tears unbidden)
I miss her so much.
I wish she would hug me
and tell me it's all going to be OK.
I wish she'd buy me a new pair of shoes
and give me money and say
"Whatever I have, I will always share it with you."
I loved her so much
(tears tears tears)
Not the fake mommy,
who I don't even know,
the fake mom mommy
who tastes like
an abusive Father
and wont give me
two quarters
for a phone call.
I miss my mommy so much,
but there is nothing I can do
to get her back.
She's gone to the land
of Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
and she'll never love me again
because
Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
don't know how to give.
All they do is take
take
take.
I miss my mommy so much.
But tears wont bring her back.
(tears unbidden)
I miss her so much.
I wish she would hug me
and tell me it's all going to be OK.
I wish she'd buy me a new pair of shoes
and give me money and say
"Whatever I have, I will always share it with you."
I loved her so much
(tears tears tears)
Not the fake mommy,
who I don't even know,
the fake mom mommy
who tastes like
an abusive Father
and wont give me
two quarters
for a phone call.
I miss my mommy so much,
but there is nothing I can do
to get her back.
She's gone to the land
of Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
and she'll never love me again
because
Fat, Selfish, Anger Monsters,
don't know how to give.
All they do is take
take
take.
I miss my mommy so much.
But tears wont bring her back.
Poem: Other Women
When I see another beautiful woman,
now,
I only think of you.
I think
"I have one of those"
proudly and
"mine is the best!"
Then my cheeks warm in a smile.
It might sound materialistic,
to put it like that,
he has one,
I want one too.
But I would want you,
even if there were no others
and we're just strange alien fungii.
now,
I only think of you.
I think
"I have one of those"
proudly and
"mine is the best!"
Then my cheeks warm in a smile.
It might sound materialistic,
to put it like that,
he has one,
I want one too.
But I would want you,
even if there were no others
and we're just strange alien fungii.
Thoughts: Watching TV
I was watching this guy
on TV
this morning
and he was shaving
and doing a really bad job -
just cuttin up his face,
and I was laughing at him
'til I saw it was me
using an old TV Screen
to shave in.
on TV
this morning
and he was shaving
and doing a really bad job -
just cuttin up his face,
and I was laughing at him
'til I saw it was me
using an old TV Screen
to shave in.
Poem: Temptations
I don't want to check my email.
I don't care who it is.
I do not want to see a letter
which will make me think of sin.
But what if I have won the Lottery,
what if my lovers' wrote.
I guess I'll just log on for a second,
argh.
I don't care who it is.
I do not want to see a letter
which will make me think of sin.
But what if I have won the Lottery,
what if my lovers' wrote.
I guess I'll just log on for a second,
argh.
Poem: Networks
I'm getting more scared of computers.
Or networks to be more exact.
That every time
I go out for a look
there are messages
waiting for me.
Some are commercials
and some are commands.
SOme are mere quewstions,
some music from bands.
But all of this data
I can no longer stand
when I just logged on to say
"I Miss you."
Or networks to be more exact.
That every time
I go out for a look
there are messages
waiting for me.
Some are commercials
and some are commands.
SOme are mere quewstions,
some music from bands.
But all of this data
I can no longer stand
when I just logged on to say
"I Miss you."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Thoughts: My Oldest Friend Goes Bust
Today my oldest friend accused me of robbing from him "a handfull of change" from his changejar while making out with my girlfriend in his rom on a visit. Regardless of the fact that I have a witness and alibi, I have known this friend for over fifteen years.
From boyhood to manhood, through numbers of jobs and scores of relationships. Never, in htis period of time, have I stolen from him, from any of his friends, from any of my friends. The only "stealing" I have ever done has been in the form of Robin Hood like escapades of taking candy from insured corporations- but when it came to private individuals-never, ever, ever.
And so it shook me on a most personal and painful part when I discovered that my so-called oldest friend had convicted me of this crime. For indeed he did not confront me with his acusations, but instead simply believed them in his dark heart to be true and left it at that. Not even a second thought in defense of his old friend. While I badgered him with quiries as to why I hadn't heard from him, why he had broken his word to me on certain matters, and when I might see him again.
To this my query he responded that his reticence was due to the matter of "a handful of change" which had come up missing and it was believed I took it! The Gall! The disrespect! Has he no shame at all? Is empathy even in his vocabulary? To be stabbed first in the back, then in the front by a supposed dear friend... I cannot express the pain which comes in my tears. The closest equivilant is that of having a lover cheat on you. For I had beleived him to be a solid and true friend, worthy of the word Love as a wife or brother.
And woe to be sure he could be saying the same things about me in his imagination - "that I have stolen" -BUT! His feeling would be cheaper when compared to mine in this matter because he has plenty of change and his loss is a only little, while I have only one good name that he besmirthces ruthlessly and only few old friends of which he proposes to destroy one.
And seeing as how I did not touch his coins, his imagination shows his true nature to the world to be a scroogly miser, so quick to throw away a friend for a hand full of change.
I'll say it again, though in truth there is no need. I took no coins from my oldest friend, indeed from any of my friends. But maybe I owe a debt of gratitude and thanks to the theif or pinch-penny who did. For it it's even true that some change was taken from him, the reaction of my friend in singling me out shown what lies waiting under his skinly facade. He despises my poverty, looks down on it, thinks all poor people are bums who will steal from your coin jar.
I would have trusted him with my life and he doesn't trust me with change. Sir, if you still be my friend, if I can still bare it, you need to reexamine your values and what's important to you. Because although you have done a lot for me, that was all given. I did not take anything, I do not owe you anything. You are not better than be because you have money and have done things for me. And holding those things over my head sayig "But I have done this, that, and the other thing" is truly pathetic and low, don't you think? Is life an accounting where we all owe each other? Fuck you if it is.
Why would he go to such great difficulty to end our friendship? To make up a lie like that? He knows that I use his address for tax reasons and to lose that would seriuosly fuck me up. I woulnd't jepordize that for change he would have given me. Any way you look at this situation points away from me doing it. Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with me because I am poor, no really, but he doesn't want to admit to being so shallow so he makes upa bullshit excuse that he could feel good about; "Oh, he stole from me, so we stopped being friends."
I don't know what this is, but it's not like him. Actually, on second thought, it kinda is like him lately. Everyone changes and that's for sure. I just hope I'm not watching him change into a materialist asshole who thinks all poor people are theives. I've seen it coming for a while.
Maybe the saddest part for me is that I can't really think of anything he could do to make this up to me. I really thought he was better than this. Now I go to cry as another friend bites the dust. I really loved him, never BS'd him, rest in peace.
I hope your new friends are every bit as shallow, suspicious, and superficial, as you are. As long as I have known you you have grown greedier and greedier and snider and snider. But I said nothing, because I was your friend and the few times I tried to tell you you wouldn't hear me. From the first time you saw "real money" when you were living in Pacifica with Daniel,e you used that money to engage in exclusive activities: "Sorry Barrett I'm going deep sea fishing this weekend, I know you can't afford it, but I'll tell you all about it. Sorry Barrett, going racecar driving, etc, etc." But I never held it against you, just watched as you played with your money in exclusivity, sharing very little. Always an open bar sure, and a couch sure, but you never did any more for me that any of my other friends who were much poorer than you. It seemed like money for you was for spending, clubbing, eating out, and having the best toys.
Then the period with Jaquelene came and you started blowing glass and coloring your hair and I was really happy for you because you got less greedy and started getting back to your roots and your heart and the things that really matter in life. But that didn't last forever and now, how are you now?
A return to the greed which has always existed in you. No sir, I stole nothing from you, not ever. The booze was offered whether you remember or not. And that's something that most people give. When you presume to thik that I took some of your change unbidden I know you have finally fucking cracked.
You are greedy. That's all there is to it. Remember when you said I could watch the rats while you were away on vacation? Never happened? I never mentioned it at the time becaue I knew why: You didn't trust me. Even before your figmentory change incident. So now I know.
You don't trust me and that makes you stupid and a bad judje of character because I am a solid guy who nevre has and never would have ripped you off you prick. You are starting to act just like my father, forgetting who your friends are, Godd luck, buddy. I'm the most trustworthy person you know and you just crapped all over me. Good luck, you'll need it.
From boyhood to manhood, through numbers of jobs and scores of relationships. Never, in htis period of time, have I stolen from him, from any of his friends, from any of my friends. The only "stealing" I have ever done has been in the form of Robin Hood like escapades of taking candy from insured corporations- but when it came to private individuals-never, ever, ever.
And so it shook me on a most personal and painful part when I discovered that my so-called oldest friend had convicted me of this crime. For indeed he did not confront me with his acusations, but instead simply believed them in his dark heart to be true and left it at that. Not even a second thought in defense of his old friend. While I badgered him with quiries as to why I hadn't heard from him, why he had broken his word to me on certain matters, and when I might see him again.
To this my query he responded that his reticence was due to the matter of "a handful of change" which had come up missing and it was believed I took it! The Gall! The disrespect! Has he no shame at all? Is empathy even in his vocabulary? To be stabbed first in the back, then in the front by a supposed dear friend... I cannot express the pain which comes in my tears. The closest equivilant is that of having a lover cheat on you. For I had beleived him to be a solid and true friend, worthy of the word Love as a wife or brother.
And woe to be sure he could be saying the same things about me in his imagination - "that I have stolen" -BUT! His feeling would be cheaper when compared to mine in this matter because he has plenty of change and his loss is a only little, while I have only one good name that he besmirthces ruthlessly and only few old friends of which he proposes to destroy one.
And seeing as how I did not touch his coins, his imagination shows his true nature to the world to be a scroogly miser, so quick to throw away a friend for a hand full of change.
I'll say it again, though in truth there is no need. I took no coins from my oldest friend, indeed from any of my friends. But maybe I owe a debt of gratitude and thanks to the theif or pinch-penny who did. For it it's even true that some change was taken from him, the reaction of my friend in singling me out shown what lies waiting under his skinly facade. He despises my poverty, looks down on it, thinks all poor people are bums who will steal from your coin jar.
I would have trusted him with my life and he doesn't trust me with change. Sir, if you still be my friend, if I can still bare it, you need to reexamine your values and what's important to you. Because although you have done a lot for me, that was all given. I did not take anything, I do not owe you anything. You are not better than be because you have money and have done things for me. And holding those things over my head sayig "But I have done this, that, and the other thing" is truly pathetic and low, don't you think? Is life an accounting where we all owe each other? Fuck you if it is.
Why would he go to such great difficulty to end our friendship? To make up a lie like that? He knows that I use his address for tax reasons and to lose that would seriuosly fuck me up. I woulnd't jepordize that for change he would have given me. Any way you look at this situation points away from me doing it. Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with me because I am poor, no really, but he doesn't want to admit to being so shallow so he makes upa bullshit excuse that he could feel good about; "Oh, he stole from me, so we stopped being friends."
I don't know what this is, but it's not like him. Actually, on second thought, it kinda is like him lately. Everyone changes and that's for sure. I just hope I'm not watching him change into a materialist asshole who thinks all poor people are theives. I've seen it coming for a while.
Maybe the saddest part for me is that I can't really think of anything he could do to make this up to me. I really thought he was better than this. Now I go to cry as another friend bites the dust. I really loved him, never BS'd him, rest in peace.
I hope your new friends are every bit as shallow, suspicious, and superficial, as you are. As long as I have known you you have grown greedier and greedier and snider and snider. But I said nothing, because I was your friend and the few times I tried to tell you you wouldn't hear me. From the first time you saw "real money" when you were living in Pacifica with Daniel,e you used that money to engage in exclusive activities: "Sorry Barrett I'm going deep sea fishing this weekend, I know you can't afford it, but I'll tell you all about it. Sorry Barrett, going racecar driving, etc, etc." But I never held it against you, just watched as you played with your money in exclusivity, sharing very little. Always an open bar sure, and a couch sure, but you never did any more for me that any of my other friends who were much poorer than you. It seemed like money for you was for spending, clubbing, eating out, and having the best toys.
Then the period with Jaquelene came and you started blowing glass and coloring your hair and I was really happy for you because you got less greedy and started getting back to your roots and your heart and the things that really matter in life. But that didn't last forever and now, how are you now?
A return to the greed which has always existed in you. No sir, I stole nothing from you, not ever. The booze was offered whether you remember or not. And that's something that most people give. When you presume to thik that I took some of your change unbidden I know you have finally fucking cracked.
You are greedy. That's all there is to it. Remember when you said I could watch the rats while you were away on vacation? Never happened? I never mentioned it at the time becaue I knew why: You didn't trust me. Even before your figmentory change incident. So now I know.
You don't trust me and that makes you stupid and a bad judje of character because I am a solid guy who nevre has and never would have ripped you off you prick. You are starting to act just like my father, forgetting who your friends are, Godd luck, buddy. I'm the most trustworthy person you know and you just crapped all over me. Good luck, you'll need it.
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