Poem: She's Gone

She responded to my question.
her answer was
"Yes, you and I are not lovers anymore.
I have returned to my former abuser."

Pain clenches my heart
as tears rise to my eyes.
But it is not as bad
as I thought it would be.

Partly sad for me,
partly sad for her,
sadness for her the greater part.
I think.

Like watching friends overdose
or sink into alcoholism;
I hate to see the ones I love
hurt themselves.

The sad and weighty fact
is that
I have no control
over the actions
of others,
no matter how much
I love them.

If she had chosen someone
besides her
former abuser
it would have been
easier for me,
but again
I have no power here.

"It may have been different
if you had stayed,"
she writes.
But I was headed for Hell
and staying was not an option.

I could fight for her,
but I wont.

The sad fact
is that
she was probably drawn to me
by the Abuser within me;
The dark, drooling,
Monster,
I constantly hide and fight
to keep at bay.
And my Monster hates it
when another monster
steals it's pray.

She says
"I hope we can still
be friends."

Which is what they always say.

Haiku: Cycles

I have lived before
Breathing deeply is not easy
All story-tellers repeat their stories.

Haiku: Writing

I write these words down
I don't know what else to do
thank god for writing.

Haiku: Free Dinner

He buys me dinner
there is no sex involved
I practice humility

Haiku: Dinner Party

I sit with people
they talk around me with glee
I write in my book.

Haiku: K

I want to meet with you
your email confuses
are we still lovers?

Poem: Morning Pain

You don't want to wake up,
but there is a burning
aching
pain
in your spine.

It's the same pain
you wake up with
every morning,
but this day
it happens to be worse
than usual.

You really want
to keep sleeping
and you ignore it
for as long as you can,
but eventually it just
too much
and you agrilly get out of bed
and take some pills.

Two pekesettes
four cups of coffee
three cigarrettes
and twenty minutes later
you are finally feeling like
you suppose
a normal person
usually feels like
and you are ready
to start your day.

You want to take another pill,
"to make up for lost time"
but you don't,
waiting instead
for the pain to return again.
And of course it does,
it always does.
And these days
it seems to be getting worse.
Then hours pass
and you wait with anxiety
for the next spike
of pain...
but it doesn't come on time.

You have no idea why
or what makes it better or worse,
but that is not worth thinking about.

There is still laundry to do.