Thoughts: Children of my Own

I was recently asked by a spiritual leader whom I respect to meditate on "what children meant to me." This person noticed that any time the topic of my having children came up I had a fervently negative reaction... And so I meditate on it....

I get along very well with children, they all seem to like me and me them. But the idea of _my_ child is disturbing to me, genetically. I don't have anything against adopting and I like to imagine that if there was a time in my life that I felt ready to be responsible for another human life I would adopt... but my specific child is very scary. First of all, I am not pleased with the way my parents raised me. Similarly they are not pleased with the way their parents raised them adn I imagine it goes on ad infinitum like this. So I know, from personal experience, that I hold some genes for a miserable family life. Although I obviously hold other genes as well, for spirituality and academic ability, etc... my life has been very painful, despite the joys, and I would not wish it, nor anything like it onto another human being. Also the shoddy job that I perceive in my parents was due to existing character flaws that they had when I was born. I am well aware that everyone has character flaws and I am working on mine all the time. The thought of imposing my flaws onto the innocent young life of my child is not encouraging.

I have had very dear friends have children. I love these new mothers and fathers. I respect their bravery, courage, and passion. And I have also seen how they interact with their offspring. The evidence is not encouraging. Maybe my standards are just too high. We are all human in the end. But parenting is an incredible mantle of responsibility, which I cannot really imagine assuming. It enough just to brush my teeth every night.

All of my pets died when I was growing up. Most of the deaths were not my fault. 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 lovebirds, a tarantula, a lizard, 23 goldfish, 1 beta fish, 2 ant farms, etc... I got used to death. I am often told I should get a cat or pet, that it would be good for me. But i cannot be that selfish. I will not take responsibility for another life, whether it is a child or a cat, until I can be sure that I will take care of the duty I owe to such a life.

As it stands now, the majority of my energy is spent in learning how to take care of myself in the best way possible. If I ever figure that out, then will come the time to choose whether I would like to pass that on to another. Whether pet, student, or child.

These are my thoughts about children and me. My mother says I can't know how much love a person can feel until they have a child. And I say back to her, , "and at this rate, I never will." But I see that love in the eyes and actions of friends dear to me who have spawned. It is obviously a joy and a blessing to have a child. A being of pure love, passing on your wisdom, watching them form into their own person. Many African tribes rate your success in the world by how much you have spawned.

These are my thoughts for the night.

Poem: The Prison of Culture

I would not wish my life on anyone.
Though equally
I would not wish to have
anyone else's life.

Starting another semester
at another school
I just turned 28
and I can't imagine
what I would be doing
if I wasn't
a professional student

Surrounded by
beautiful young women
and people of all kinds
looking to better themselves
or their lives

The energy at college
always vibrant and alive
fresh with hope
and belief that
their lives will be better

Yet I know
from experience
that most of those here
will not go on
to follow their dreams

there is only so much room
in this world
for
Sociologists, Artists, Scientists,
Writers, Psychologists,
and what-have-you.

The lie that they tell you is
that you can be whatever you want

Meanwhile
the bills start piling up
maybe you fall in love
have to take care of a family emergency
or decide to have a baby

No matter what it is
something usually happens
and I have come to believe
that the
eye in the triangle
is counting on this

So today I am grateful for my life
and the choices I have made
Grateful that I am in school
accruing somethings they call
"debt" and "credit" -
Though I am not quite sure
what either of those are

Looking at pretty girls
and studying my areas of interest
are my passion

Meanwhile my friends and peers
are locked into systems
of work and marriage
of addiction and soul searching
spending their free time
feverishly
making up for the time they waste
in Wage-Slavery
creating Art wherever possible
to balance the soul-less-ness
of modern western society

Yes
I am truly grateful today
for all my ills and troubles
the fact that I am still
not a wage slave
seems to balance it all out

I do not think the ghost of
"debt"
will ever catch up to me

Humans have yet to create a system
without loopholes and flaws
it's part of our nature
and finding them
is part of mine

If the "debt" does catch me
one day
far in the future
I will still be proud

For spending my youth
in the best possible way
and refusing to succumb
to the prison
of culture

Poem: The Walls

I am afraid of walls
I'm not sure when it started

I was a prisoner in my home
as a child
I had no choice then
I ran away
many times
and though it was hard
I never missed the walls

Later I would turn 18
and go to jail a week later
I ran away many times
but often went to jail
the new walls

After jail
at the age of a man
I was a prisoner in my world
of states, schools, money, and culture
I tried to run
many times

And I still am.

Poem: Porn

Porn is deviously deceptive
illusory Maya reality
at it's best
A beautiful young teen
Fucking
an Ugly Old Man
gives all men hope
false hope
that one day, they too
when they are old and ugly
can fuck young teens

But they only see the picture
they do not see the months
that the old pervert stalks
and plans
they do not see
the payment he gives her
or the shame she bares
for the rest of her life

Just a picture
one good-looking moment
out of millions of
pathetic
sad
hurtful
embarassing
shallow
and depraved
moments

I used to think
it was all fun and games
"porn is good!" I'd proclaim proudly

Now that I know
that our nervous system
cannot tell the difference
between
Imagination and Reality
I am forced to wonder...

Our predecessors
who came before us
so that we could have life
did not have the internet porn
that we have today

Reality is created
by our experiences
both real
and imagined

Poem: Soldier Town

Max would fit in well here
shallow, soldier-boy Max.
In rooms of culture
I find myself appreciated.
In ruins of culture
an oddity.
I would not wish for mediocrity
as simple as it seems.
And Mexican music
sounds better
when surrounded by the
white upper class.

Poem: Lacking

I miss her terribly
though try as I might
calling seems selfish
as I am not there
I am the older
and may know better
how distance love burns

I am like an alien here
fitting in nowhere
and most people my age
busy busy busy
with work
just trying to survive

It is said that
only the boring
are bored
forced by boredom
and empty desert poverty
to face myself completely

I find that i am lacking

Poem: Soul Teachings

Do you believe
that your body
can teach you?

Like an
antenna
my body teaches me
the mind is not
all-controller
it is but one
of many
they all try
try so hard
and soft
to teach my
Soul
something
many things
that's why I'm here,
no?