Poem: Goodbye 2008

Was a miserable year.
Worst year in recent memories.
From begining to end a
constant, hounding, misery.
Tragedy after tragedy,
illness and failure,
bad-luck and wrecked dreams,
poverty and hunger,
confussion and fear,
lonliness and pain,
Doctors and Social Workers.
Constant and endless,
relentless in it's black pursuit.

Five cities,
two shelters,
Eight hospitals,
fifteen Doctors,
twenty-three medications,
ten social workers,
one death,
one heartbreak,
nine months homeless,
three articles published,
and two wonderful women.

I'm glad it's all over.
As 2009 dawns I find myself
in the exact position
I was trying not to be in
this time last year.
The return to the begining;
A Failure.
In comparrison,
the previous five years
were wonderful.
Fuckin' 2008.
I'm glad that you're leaving.
You were not a good year for me.
And I will never have to
go through you again.

The only good memories
that come to mind
are of the two
amazing women
who spent some time
with me.
Lightening the burden of my life,
for a little while at least.
Two beautiful Oasis'
in the midst of a murderous dessert.
My time with you
was not long enough.
But I'm thankful
for what I got.

At 29 I have not changed so much.
The love of a woman
still gives my life meaning.
In this great empty Universe of Pain,
Love truly is
as Perrenial as the grass.

Poem: Another Morning #27

More tears and nightmares.
Evil dreams have never been so
brightly-colored before.
A problem with my Anti-depressants?
Possible.
More likely just the average pain
of the end of a month
with no money in sight.
+ the Hollidays
+ my Birthday
- gifts and friends
= me right now.
Teary-eyed
and trying to hide,
from reality.

Poem: 9 Months Too Late

She writes the words,
I've been waiting to hear,
nine months too late.
Bad words have been shared
between us now.
Not knowing if I can
trust her word
anymore.
Not knowing if I can
take the pain again
of hearing her say
"I don't love you."

Fair to say she did not
treat me gently.
I would say she did not
treat me kind.
In the end, that is,
always in the end.

Of course I would love to see her.
I can feel it in my bones.

With a sneeze she could destroy me.
In my broken, hungry, lonliness.

I'd love her to insist on seeing me,
to visit me lavishly;
Buying me ciggarrettes and apologising
for all the mean things she wrote to me.
Telling me after all this time,
that I was right
and she was wrong;
She does love me!
And she's realized she can't fight it
anymore.

Somehow life
does not seem to work out that way.

She probably wants to
"be my friend."
Maybe that's all she's ever wanted from me.
Just waiting for me to "wake-up"
and stop my "infatuation" with her.

If that's the case,
she really doesn't know me
that well after all.
And her e-mails wern't that "Friendly."

Poem: Another Morning #26

More nightmares.
My eyes are now open.
The fear remains
in my beating heart.

Realization
that I have been whimpering
out-loud
for some time.
Crying and moaning
from my bed.
Embarrassment
as I look at those around
who heard me.

The men say nothing.
We all cry in our sleep sometimes.

I wasn't asleep, though.
Just scared
and tired.
Out of options.
Nothing left to do.
Cry.

Poem: Sky-Father

Blue skys open on
the clear cold
Christmas day.
Waking from
bright-colored nightmares
about family and friends.
Trying to shake off
the bad dreams
I get some coffee
at the corner store
with my last FoodStamps.

The sky fades to dark,
near black in seconds,
rain like bullets
attacking everything in sheets.
Lightning Flash!
Defeaning Thunder!
How did this happen so fast?!

A cry of joy
escapes from my throat unbidden.
Primal lightning
joy and fear.

Cowering for cover under an awning
and drinking my coffee.
The wind is thrashing the trees,
as I remember my Father,
the Storm God.

Mighty Shango, the King-Magician,
essence of lightning and power.
Is he just dropping by,
to show me his love,
on this Christmas,
when I am alone?

"Hello Father!
Thank you!
I Love you Too!"

I say this to the sky,
standing as the storm passes.
A six minute lightning storm.
just for me.

It may sound silly
to think the sky would
open just for me.
And perhaps some of my
Brothers and Sisters
were nearby to see him too.

But then,
I know my Father Shango,
and He's just funny
in the way
He shows that
He Loves me.

Poem: Candy

With your too-ready smile;
I wonder if you mean it.
A strong and handsome woman
stronger than I remembered.
Beautiful still,
more refined,
graceful and reserved.

But now I remember you then
and it's too late.

I wonder if I should have held you...
You're too strong
for me to be able to tell.
Maybe you don't even know yourself.

I wish I had held you,
if it would have helped.
Or just held your hand.

Puke if you must,
as long as it makes you feel better.

Thoughts: Her Perspective Imagined

I never really loved him.
Though I did care about him much more deeply than most.
He was never really honest with me about how deeply he felt towards me.
This was good because I probably couldn't have handled it.
Though I'd see the longing in his eyes and feel how he held me extra close.
Though he never told me, I think I knew the whole time.
When he slept with the other girl I was a little relieved.
Glad that he was not so obsessed with me.
Because I had Giovanni and Frank could never really have me.
He knew about Giovanni the whole time.

And then he just decided to leave.
Like that.
He got real drunk for several days and just left me at the train station.
Now he says he loves me.
Now, when it couldn't possibly matter in the least.
Oh, Frank, why do you have to go and ruin it?
You want too much.
Why can't we just be friends?

I haven't seen him in a year.
Barely heard from him...
I do want to see him,
though I don't know why.
Maybe I do love him too.

Poem: BlueBalls for You

Blueballs is a sign of Love,
though painful and demeaning.
Taking hours of luxurious foreplay,
causing man's testes to ache.

What's to be done,
for our man on a date,
with a throbbing deep ache
in his balls?

Truthtelling his lover
"I do need to sperm,
would you mind bending over that wall?"

That's usually out,
especially if new,
but the ache is persistant
and stronger.

By sneaking to restroom
and rubbing the bishop,
the date
could perhaps
go on longer...

But jacking-off too
speaks not of romance,
especially when coupled
with cum on ones pants.

Rape is out too,
as he could not get hard.
Even by trying
his balls he'd retard.

Assurred our man is,
to get her in bed,
if only would slip,
his pained balls
from his head!

The only path left,
for him to see,
is cutting short,
the love to be.

To bid goodnight,
and hurry home.
To where his porn
and tissues roam.

That lucky girl will never know,
the blueballs he had,
so she wont feel a Ho.

Poem: Your Real Boy (Love Door)

My feelings and thoughts
just do not agree
about what's to be done
between you and me.

The heart is convinced
that you're all that matters.
The brain it reminds me
I tend to get scattered.
The heart screams out "Love"
saying nothing can stop it.
The brain says I'm homelss
and no Love can top it.

No way to forget you
if that's what I wished.
No number of kisses,
would make me remiss-
whatever you give me
I only want more.
There's no way to close
our open Love Door.

I'll just have to breathe
amd live every day.
Hoping my heart
wont make me betray;
Saying the words
I feel in my Soul,
often sound crazy
and out of control.
Promising things
I'm not sure I can keep,
but these are the things
I feel in the deep.
Forgive me Sweet Angel,
I'm losing control,
of my mind and my thoughts,
of my body and Soul.
Like a great Roller-Coaster
I'm in for the ride
and I pray you'll be with me
riding besdie.

I can't really promise
that no one will hurt
(as I feel the first paings
of your month off my turf).
The onlt True Promise
I can make here today
is to you I'll be honest
in every way.
Even when saying
love-long patter of joy;
I mean every word.

I am your real boy.

Poem: Changings of Size

My heart is too big
this world is too small
when I think of our lives
together.

Our two is too much
for this dark crummy world
but yet for your touch
I'd pay everything!

Seasons all pass
as all flowers die
so all of my prayers hope
that We stay alive.

I can't be the first
through these Aeons of Man
to miss so a lover
I must see again.

The world is so flat
and you make it round
my ears have gone deaf
but you create sound.

My world is changing
from lead into gold
if only you'll stay
until I get old.

Poem: I Miss You Already

I miss you already
and how could that be?
It's been not five hours,
since you've been with me!

Is this the beginning,
of Love's painful side?
That this feeling of 'missing'
will just grow inside?

We've not even seen,
each one bare in the flesh.
And yet our two hearts,
are deeply enmeshed.

The smell of your hair,
still fresh on my skin.
All thoughts of our memories,
making me grin.
Wishing so bad,
to just hold you in bed.
But knowing as well,
there are still years till I'm dead.

And for all of those years,
I now have this one wish:
More time with you spent,
less time with you missed.

Poem: Love Debates

I get so confused
being with you.
I usually just give up.
Open my self-self
to the newfound spirit within.
Beleiving in things I never beleived in like:
Hope, Love, Freedom, Joy, Life.
How could this be bad?

My cynic points out
that all Love ends bad.
Indivisable: Love and Pain.

My heart tells him to
shut up and appreciate
the flower of love which had
suddenly sprung anew in my
barren old garden of self.
To smell the flower
and become drunk on the perfume,
marvelling with adoration
at the beautification.

"Shut up, old cynic,
and take a rest in the garden."
The fears are temporarily gone
as I marvel at the flower.
Only peace remains,
and her smile,
her skin,
her smell.
The profound feeling
in my deep stomach;
that she cares for me,
that I care for her,
and that that
is enough.

To sit and enjoy
is the nature of Love,
nothing else is required.
The fears and the worries
are merely the ants,
flys, and knats,
at the feet,
of the Goddess.

Poem: Muse Passion

Forgive me oh Muse!
Forgive me my way,
of using your beauty for Art!
For though you're unique
you're also a part
of the grand 'ol Mystique
of the World.
A Gateway to Goddess!
A being Supreme!
Your body a vessel for more!
That the very same Force
which gave birth to the world,
looks at me
through your eyes
at the door.
To see the divine
when I look at your face
is no poet's perk
or mere rhetoric.
No stiffening cock,
telling bar-stool fancies.
No mere gigalo,
out for the fun-of-it.
The light of yuor eyes
when they're shining for me
has powers beyond
all men's eye history.
Ignighting my heart
and whispers my ear:
"it's OK to love her,
there's nothing to fear!"

For you, My Great Muse,
are beyond mortal men,
and no matter what happens,
I'll still be your friend.
For one who inspires
deserves great respect,
the power of Gods
can cause many to wreck.
In respect for your mother
the Goddess of High,
I'll treat you my best,
and that is no lie.

Poem: My Passions

Do not fear me young Goddess,
though my passion seems so deep.
This heart of mine,
wrought of the deepest gems,
my tongue tasting life to the fullest.
For a breath of fresh air is better than cable
and I'd give my left kidney to a friend.
So know that my words have a way when they will
of describing you greatly with grace;
It's only this poet
a boy with a heart
who writes whenever it stirs.
I am not a stalker or suicide love,
no husband or sleazy old creep.
I don't want your money
and have not a job,
just my heart
which like yours
is so great.
I beleive in your freedom,
I'd never decide
your dates or your mates or your friends.
And even though I'd be allowed
to sleep around with others,
I'd have no want, you'd be enough,
(I hope that doesn't smother).

A private lover,
just for you,
with no strings attatched.
Tell the world,
keep it secret,
but I think we match.
This is all I have to offer,
though one day, who knows?
I hope you like this gift I give you,
as our story grows.

Poem: Offer to the River

A lovely surprise
the river says "Hello, my love."
I made offering to her
and an hour later:
There you are.
Shiny, light, wonderful.
A faint sorrow behind your eyes
I did not imagine it.
You don't want to speak about it
I respect you.
All I wanted is for
you to feel good
to hear you laugh
to see you smile.

Bringing out the Nurturer in me
holding you
stroking your hair
telling you "it's going to be okay."
No matter what it is
it will be okay
I promise.

We all need to be held sometimes
to be reminded.
And I want to lie with you
warm in bed
drinking tea
as naked
you cry into my chest-hair.
Safe with me
I would kiss each tear away
kiss your eyelids
eyelashes
rub your heart
in front and back
warm your body with my caring hands
chests together.
To free you from all earthly worries
with the tongue of my inner fie
faster and hotter
only to stop and collapse together
in love, in freedom, in peace,
together.

And yet maybe what you really need
is just a warm male friend.
Devoid of the tantric energies of sexual union
founded on talk and solid hugs.
This too,I would do, for you.
For you to shine, to prosper, to be happy.

Use me as you would Goddess!
I am at your disposal!
Take of me the seed of power
to nurture the Universe
of the Eternal Mother you are;
you can't hurt me.
A grown man many times over
whatever pain I have
I own
and none of it is your fault.

Sweet dreams, young angel,
may you feel in your heart
that I'm here.

Poem: Perfect

I have learned that
Order Eater Shoe Insoles
are a good thing for me.

Too much sun brings out
open sores of Shingles
on the right side of my face.

My breath
while sleeping
comes out as
a soft rattling wheeze.

In warmth
sheets of sweat
pour from my skin.

The common fungus
on my chest and neck
looks like
red splashes of acid.

The pain in my
spine and legs
is being controlled by
powerful narcotics
which leave me
dizzy.

A piece of tooth
recently broke off
from my
constant
stressful
Grinding.

My new black pillowcase
tells me that
my dandruff
is getting worse.

The yellow phlegm
from my
smoker's cough
is as steady
as ever.

It's possible
the new
anti-depressant
I'm on
is working.

My heroin habit
has slowed
to a crawl.

And to my surprise
I come to find
I'm Perfect.